Sometimes that vacancy can seem more daunting and horrible than the feelings of anger, sadness, loss and change that come before it. But, that vacancy is all part of the rebirth.
The rebirth of the soul and of the mind. Our bodies keeping going. One foot in front of the other, we force it to. As living creatures we have an innate ability to survive. We make ourselves get out, to eat, to sleep. Even as hard as it gets, we make ourselves move forward. Sometimes in those moments of upheaval, the anger and sadness are easier. It’s the mind that lags behind, the mind that takes patience and healing. Cleansing. And to do that, one most empty itself out. Purge the bad, and sit empty for as long as it takes for our new mindset, our revival to happen. The birth.
Change is never easy and one must be drained of all it’s past contents before it can proceed forward.
These are the hard times. The rough patches. The badlands are over, the storms, the wars. Now it’s just the waiting. Like sitting in the middle of the desert at night and dawn never comes. It’s cold and dry and nothing seems to be on the horizon. Eventually one notices the stars. Guidance.
But one must put time in this empty darkness first. When nothing comes. And everything has gone.
In my transition, every ghost and body has flown out of my closet. The past thirty years have made themselves present to me. Fear has pressed me to it’s bosom, and there I have found no rest.
I’ve gone through the rolodex of feelings of change. Happiness coming first, then sadness, anxiety and anger. The later two have remained, but I feel as though they are fleeting. The feeling of emptiness has begun.
Last night, standing in a hot shower, the warm and heavy water droplets seemed like blood. They looked it and felt like it. Similar to that scene in Carrie. It wasn’t that I was actually seeing them with my eyes, but my third eye, the soul could feel and see the blood. It’s temperature and it’s thickness, running through my fingers. For a moment I gained back my sense of power and control. In the morning I awoke feeling cleansed, that the past was behind me, that I was starting anew. The blood being the bodies of my past turmoils and traumas. The blood of my own.
The mind becomes exsanguinated. Eviscerated and drained. It is in this emptiness I sit. And while it is disconcerting, I understand it, I know it. But not to this velocity. For now I am lying still. Motionless and unconscious to the outside world. Waiting for the virgin blood to fill my veins. For my body to be replenished and mind restored, it is then that I will become reborn. Awakened.
This has yet to be my hardest of renewals in a sense. Sober and feeling the nothingness, not having it shadowed and toyed with by alcohol and narcotics. I feel and see it. No distractions.
Here, in the dark, desert night, I will wait for the stars, because after the stars, slowly but surely, dawn breaks.
For further reading:
Hi, Have You Met Me? on Amazon/Kindle http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00B009W1M
and
There's No Good Campfires Left In Hell on Amazon/Kindle http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00H7CZ590
Or Paperback at http://www.lulu.com/shop/kate-monahan/theres-no-good-campfires-left-in-hell/paperback/product-21276242.html