1. I’d be a hell of a homemaker. Something I’d never done in my thirty years. I nailed it and found out I wasn’t so bad at it. 13 years a train wreck, 2 years of sobriety and solitude and then a year of playing house. While it ended up all being bullshit I ended up seeing a side of myself I didn’t know existed. I always gave the finger to that sort of thing. I just figured I’d be the lone asshole, going from partner to partner not giving a damn. I learned I did like caring for someone else, it actually made me happy, which was a foreign concept to me.
2. I’m a lot stronger than I gave myself credit for. Sure I kicked a serious drug and alcohol problem on my own. I always had a roof over my head. I’ve been a hard-ass since I was a kid. I got bullied young and then learned to throw a punch and use words as weapons. I pulled my ass up and out of some seriously fucked up situations. Silly little relationships to life and death bullshit. But this last one. The one previously written about on here and in my book “Woman” - I thought that would be the end of me. In the beginning I did. I was in a strange place, everything I knew and thought was a lie and I had to cut off the one person I knew out here across the country. But in that, I spent a good few hours on the couch feeling sorry for myself and then got myself up and made a plan. A way to sever the rope slowly. Play the game my way, protect myself. Take back control. Change bank accounts under the guise of, “tax purposes” - got a burner and made an exit plan. One that would take weeks to carry out correctly. And no longer how charming the other was that I had to set on fire, I kept to my guns, got the final answers I needed and hit the detonator. I was underestimated and my true strength got me through. My heart remained in tact and I got my ass up and put it hard into my studies. My training. I knew I had found my calling. To be the best Private Investigator I could be. Originally only going to be a skip tracer, I knew that with my new found strength I had what it would take to become a PI, and a great one.
3. I learned that I am much more compassionate than I ever would have guessed. I was always one of those people that if you piss in my sandbox, or even think about it, I’d bury you in it and leave you for dead. Pour gasoline and kindling on the bitch, throw a match and let it smolder down to ashes. If you asked me six months ago if I was a compassionate person I would have laughed. Admitted to a bit of empathy but mainly apathy. A rough life leads to a rough mind. Getting kicked in the teeth, bloodied and beaten mentally on foreign ground would have normally sent me on a rampage of vengeance. How much damage could I do? But I didn’t do any of it. I kept names out of my book, I didn’t whistle blow and tell his wife who was supposedly in this open relationship - why? Because of the compassion I felt for the family. For the young child they had. Breaking up a family would be a move I couldn’t deal with. One I couldn’t live with or look at myself in the mirror. I spared him because of them. I realized I’m not one to harm innocents, and that I never was. I had fucking compassion. And I still have it. My god, from all of this that was one of the most beautiful things that has come out of this.
So not only did I learn compassion, my true strength and that I’m able to love and make a home - I found my true calling in life and that with these new skills I’ll be good at my future profession, and when the right person comes around, I’ll be a good partner, rather than the shitty one I always was.
So I guess this is a thank you, Life. You’ve taught me a great many things through this past chaos and living hell, that was once heaven. You’ve opened my eyes and my heart burns brighter than ever. I wouldn’t trade any of it for the world. The greatest lessons learned, I have now learned come from the hardest of situations. And I’m fucking grateful for it. Again - Thank you.
Blessed Be.
For further reading:
Hi, Have You Met Me? on Amazon/Kindle http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00B009W1M
There's No Good Campfires Left In Hell on Amazon/Kindle http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00H7CZ590
For Paperback at http://www.lulu.com/shop/kate-monahan/theres-no-good-campfires-left-in-hell/paperback/product-21276242.html