Fear can be a powerful motivator or it can hider us, cripple us. Today my appeal to the Michigan Department of State will have arrived in their hands. There is a fear there, one that may not be expected from the loud mouthed, scalpel tongued blonde that preaches sobriety, self-empowerment and clean living. But there is the fear that has haunted me since I first started putting everything together six months ago for this appeal for my driver’s license to have it's indefinite revocation lifted, denied.
It’s been six months of anxiety and resurfaced memories of my early days, 7 and 8 years ago when my drinking and eventual drug use to follow amped up into full blown addiction. When I fell down the rabbit hole, clutching closely all the wrong coping mechanisms to aid the the deep lying wounds and trauma I faced before getting a DUI and an OUIL in a matter of a year. I’m thankful that on my path of self-destruction I didn’t hurt or kill anyone.
I waited for many years to put in this appeal because where I lived, I didn’t need it. In NYC I cleaned up but owning a car was unnecessary. And I was writing. I modeled. And I kept this blog. I wrote two books on addiction and recovery. I worked as a recovery mentor to those that had cleaned up, teaching them what to expect in the year and years to come. How to not relapse. Which here, I continue to do, but not to the point of occupation. It’s frustrating work. Being an ex addict and alcoholic I know when people are lying to me and to see people fail time after time is difficult. In my own part in the war against drugs and alcohol, my role, this wasn’t the one.
In my time here in Seattle I have trained, (martial arts, firearms and steady workouts), studied and done ride alongs, job shadowing in a sense on being a police officer, my focus the anti-crime team. Now, if I could I would go out today, I would have gone out a year ago and applied. But I needed to get settled and get my appeal process started to gain my driver’s license so that I may apply to be a police officer and go through the academy. Because without that, I cannot do the service work I feel I was put here to do. What my past experiences have taught me from the other side of things and what my clean living has taught me, I feel that will all aid in my future work that I so desperately hope to do.
Now, my clean up was unconventional. I did it myself without any help. As mentioned before on here and in my books, one day I woke up and a voice in my head said, “the next time you use, you’ll die.” That was the first time I chose to not self-destruct. I’d had enough. And as 7/11/11 I have been clean and sober. Cleaning up the hard way with no center or meetings did me a great service, it was hell. And going through hell can remind us of what awful things drugs and alcohol can do to us. To me, in my humble opinion, it is a greater way to prevent relapse. I’ve always been the type of person that when I put my mind to something I do it. I don’t quit, I don’t bow out, I do it. This appeal process I probably could have had wrapped up a few months earlier, but it was that fear that kept me from speeding along. I was diligent about it in the process though. Crossing my T’s and dotting my I’s. If I was going to do this, I would provide them with ample information of my sobriety.
Now part of the fear is how I did it. How I didn’t rely on AA or a rehab program. I relied on myself and my choice to be clean. My desire had switched. My father and grandfather quit drinking the same way. One day they both just said enough. While addiction runs in my family, I guess so does a strong will and ability to drop the shit that’s killing you. But my way is far different than most and I’m not sure how that will be looked upon. But of couse, to each his own - whatever works is what matters most.
On seeking legal advice I was advised to drop my website and books, to lie and say I was sober since I graduated from court ordered sobriety court. But what kind of person would I then be? My books and my writing are part of my giving back and helping those fighting the battle I once fought. So although I could have lawyered up for this appeal process, I did it solo. Yes, admitting I remained using another two years could hurt me, but what I have done to right those wrongs I believe is more important by putting my story and truth out there.
I remember after cleaning up, Amy Winehouse died. I had turned 28 that year, I was sober. I remember sitting down upon hearing the news and thinking, “holy shit, I made it out. I didn’t make the 27 club and I’m clean.” I was jovial, set back at my own success. Granted the first three months of my cleanup and detox my head tormented me and my body revolted against me. I saw what the poison had done and there was no way I was going back to it.
I tell people that in everything we do, from when to walk the dog, pay our bills or decide to use, it’s all about choices, and that those choices come from desire. To think of it as a scale, one you see in court rooms. On one side there is the wrong choice, the other the right. It is our desire that weighs these choices and that desire must be strong enough to drop the negative scale and lift the positive. Until that is done, and remains that way, nothing is to be done. My scales switched that day of 7/11/11 and they have remained steadfast in the positive choice of clean living. Wobbly in my first months and then cemented after that. The thought of using hasn’t entered my head in over three years and I know it never will. I have been through some hard bumps in the road since then, and never did my old and poor coping mechanisms arise in my head. I got through hard times using my own will and determination. Meditation and sticking to my goals. Making it through heartbreak and fear that I may never live out my dream and passion to become a police officer and help get drugs off the streets. I’ve seen and experienced their destruction and now it is time to play my part, go full blown into aiding in taking them down.
The fear in me will remain that I may be denied until I get that letter in the mail but I do my best to remain positive, in which I have a good feeling that despite my poor behavior in my early twenties, I’ll be forgiven by the courts. I can only hope.
They say 18% of addicts and alcoholics who have cleaned up will remain clean. And in my heart, soul and mind I know I am one of the 18%. Now it is up to the powers that be to share that belief in me.
And for all those struggling, fight the fear, keep going and don’t give up on yourself or a better life. You can have it if you want it, it’s just a matter or tipping those scales to the positive.
Blessed Be.
For further reading:
Hi, Have You Met Me? on Amazon/Kindle http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00B009W1M
There's No Good Campfires Left In Hell on Amazon/Kindle http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00H7CZ590
It’s been six months of anxiety and resurfaced memories of my early days, 7 and 8 years ago when my drinking and eventual drug use to follow amped up into full blown addiction. When I fell down the rabbit hole, clutching closely all the wrong coping mechanisms to aid the the deep lying wounds and trauma I faced before getting a DUI and an OUIL in a matter of a year. I’m thankful that on my path of self-destruction I didn’t hurt or kill anyone.
I waited for many years to put in this appeal because where I lived, I didn’t need it. In NYC I cleaned up but owning a car was unnecessary. And I was writing. I modeled. And I kept this blog. I wrote two books on addiction and recovery. I worked as a recovery mentor to those that had cleaned up, teaching them what to expect in the year and years to come. How to not relapse. Which here, I continue to do, but not to the point of occupation. It’s frustrating work. Being an ex addict and alcoholic I know when people are lying to me and to see people fail time after time is difficult. In my own part in the war against drugs and alcohol, my role, this wasn’t the one.
In my time here in Seattle I have trained, (martial arts, firearms and steady workouts), studied and done ride alongs, job shadowing in a sense on being a police officer, my focus the anti-crime team. Now, if I could I would go out today, I would have gone out a year ago and applied. But I needed to get settled and get my appeal process started to gain my driver’s license so that I may apply to be a police officer and go through the academy. Because without that, I cannot do the service work I feel I was put here to do. What my past experiences have taught me from the other side of things and what my clean living has taught me, I feel that will all aid in my future work that I so desperately hope to do.
Now, my clean up was unconventional. I did it myself without any help. As mentioned before on here and in my books, one day I woke up and a voice in my head said, “the next time you use, you’ll die.” That was the first time I chose to not self-destruct. I’d had enough. And as 7/11/11 I have been clean and sober. Cleaning up the hard way with no center or meetings did me a great service, it was hell. And going through hell can remind us of what awful things drugs and alcohol can do to us. To me, in my humble opinion, it is a greater way to prevent relapse. I’ve always been the type of person that when I put my mind to something I do it. I don’t quit, I don’t bow out, I do it. This appeal process I probably could have had wrapped up a few months earlier, but it was that fear that kept me from speeding along. I was diligent about it in the process though. Crossing my T’s and dotting my I’s. If I was going to do this, I would provide them with ample information of my sobriety.
Now part of the fear is how I did it. How I didn’t rely on AA or a rehab program. I relied on myself and my choice to be clean. My desire had switched. My father and grandfather quit drinking the same way. One day they both just said enough. While addiction runs in my family, I guess so does a strong will and ability to drop the shit that’s killing you. But my way is far different than most and I’m not sure how that will be looked upon. But of couse, to each his own - whatever works is what matters most.
On seeking legal advice I was advised to drop my website and books, to lie and say I was sober since I graduated from court ordered sobriety court. But what kind of person would I then be? My books and my writing are part of my giving back and helping those fighting the battle I once fought. So although I could have lawyered up for this appeal process, I did it solo. Yes, admitting I remained using another two years could hurt me, but what I have done to right those wrongs I believe is more important by putting my story and truth out there.
I remember after cleaning up, Amy Winehouse died. I had turned 28 that year, I was sober. I remember sitting down upon hearing the news and thinking, “holy shit, I made it out. I didn’t make the 27 club and I’m clean.” I was jovial, set back at my own success. Granted the first three months of my cleanup and detox my head tormented me and my body revolted against me. I saw what the poison had done and there was no way I was going back to it.
I tell people that in everything we do, from when to walk the dog, pay our bills or decide to use, it’s all about choices, and that those choices come from desire. To think of it as a scale, one you see in court rooms. On one side there is the wrong choice, the other the right. It is our desire that weighs these choices and that desire must be strong enough to drop the negative scale and lift the positive. Until that is done, and remains that way, nothing is to be done. My scales switched that day of 7/11/11 and they have remained steadfast in the positive choice of clean living. Wobbly in my first months and then cemented after that. The thought of using hasn’t entered my head in over three years and I know it never will. I have been through some hard bumps in the road since then, and never did my old and poor coping mechanisms arise in my head. I got through hard times using my own will and determination. Meditation and sticking to my goals. Making it through heartbreak and fear that I may never live out my dream and passion to become a police officer and help get drugs off the streets. I’ve seen and experienced their destruction and now it is time to play my part, go full blown into aiding in taking them down.
The fear in me will remain that I may be denied until I get that letter in the mail but I do my best to remain positive, in which I have a good feeling that despite my poor behavior in my early twenties, I’ll be forgiven by the courts. I can only hope.
They say 18% of addicts and alcoholics who have cleaned up will remain clean. And in my heart, soul and mind I know I am one of the 18%. Now it is up to the powers that be to share that belief in me.
And for all those struggling, fight the fear, keep going and don’t give up on yourself or a better life. You can have it if you want it, it’s just a matter or tipping those scales to the positive.
Blessed Be.
For further reading:
Hi, Have You Met Me? on Amazon/Kindle http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00B009W1M
There's No Good Campfires Left In Hell on Amazon/Kindle http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00H7CZ590