So. The DMV. I don’t think anyone likes going there. It’s like the fucking dentist, you only go if you have to and drag it out as long as you can before going. Unless you’re a masochist. Then you probably love it. But not this Bitch. It was the last thing on my shit list of things I needed to do. Getting everything in my name was done and now I just needed residency. They are adamant about that shit here. Plus I needed to register to vote. I needed to be able to cast my vote in this colossal shit mess in November. Kanye, Agent Orange and Biden who I’m pretty sure doesn’t know who he is when he wakes up in the morning, fuck, the guy can’t even remember what he said the last time he opened his mouth. Honestly if there was a talking squirrel that had some brains and common sense I’d vote for the talking squirrel at this point. But that’s not the point right now.
Let me set the scene for you. It was 8:30 in the morning, every asshole and their brother was there lining up to scribble their name on a piece of paper hooked to a clipboard on a plastic chair sitting outside. Oddly enough I was number 13. I walk fast. I saw signing from a distance and hustled my ass through the parking lot. This was already going to be stupid. They’d call your phone when you could come in and said to wait in your car or outside 6 feet away from people.
I tried the car. I lasted a half hour. I was hot and not interested in burning gas to run the AC. I could just suck it up and stand in the shade. I found a spot to cram myself in some trees so people would stay the hell away from me. Not because I was abiding by the rules, but because I’m an antisocial fuck and didn’t want any other poor, bored bastards talking to me. Chitchat with strangers isn’t my thing. Shocker, I know.
So I got about a half hour of silence. Then some biker dude comes up to me and makes a comment about my tattoos. I couldn’t back up any further and don’t like being cornered and this asshole was a foot away from me inspecting me like some kind of specimen. I like your tattoos, where’d you get them and I have this one here, there, blah, blah… blah. The usual shit. To not be mute and have the shit repeated and try to deter further questioning and get him off my ass, he got the usual. Stare straight ahead, thanks, New York, cool. Never looking at him, arms crossed. He tried to say something about the weather and I just kept looking forward. He got the message and went on to pester someone else.
So back to alone time. I probably got a solid hour in. Not bad. Then a guy in a full on hazmat suit came out looking like a goddamn astronaut. Poor bastard was the driving test instructor. He climbed in this kid’s passenger seat, the kid backed up and when turning to go forward drove into the parked car a space over from him. I was like 12 feet away, so I had to back up, the shade was gone and the trees were pissing me off so I was on the pavement at this point. A lot of people backed up. And me being me, sometimes shit just falls out of my mouth, I said, “Well, he’s fucked.” I broke my silence and since everybody had clustered together due to this kid backing up and creaming the car in front of him, I broke my silence and fucked myself. Now I was in it. There was a general consensus that the kid failed. And who comes back over? The fucking hillbilly biker.
Now I knew I couldn’t be a total asshole and get shitty, the Sheriff’s Department was next door and there were cruisers in and out. I’d have to tone it down should he say something stupid, which was probable, I try not to judge, but sometimes you just know…
He asked why I was there, where I was from. I had already heard him rant on about boycotting sports except wrestling because of players taking a knee and how you don’t disrespect the country bullshit… I took a deep breath, cracked my neck and settled in for the long haul of behaving. I haven’t been locked up in over 9 years and I’d like to keep it that way. Plus I didn’t want to get kicked out and have to repeat this heinous process. I mean it would be one hell of a way to become a resident, but I’m not that big of an idiot. There’s ways to deal with idiot speak without getting loud and aggressive. Educate, divert, keep a low tone, flood their brains with facts and use your body language. You’re not entertaining, you’re not agreeing, but you’re not ready to kick their ass, and if there’s someone behind you that they’re probably offending, turn and roll your eyes, the this guy’s an idiot eye roll.
Well biker bro who was actually probably pushing 60 was also a trucker. Used to cook meth, clean now, so I gave him a good job and told him I was clean and sober as well. Which after telling me his life story that I wasn’t interested in, he circled back to Seattle. Saying that’s where all those crazy liberals are going on with all that Black Lives Matter shit, burning things to the ground and waving their signs. Now granted he obviously did not keep up on the news and hear George Floyd’s family ask for the violence to stop and that it only hurts the movement. In of which I informed his ass. And yes, there were fires, shootings and riots. And most of the shit disturbing was Antifa and goddamn over-privileged college snots trying to pretend to give a fuck and scream about something, most of which had nothing to do with the BLM movement. So that was the problem, not those for the BLM movement which has been long overdue in this country. Then I deadpanned him. I turned to the black man probably around my age behind me, lowered my sunglasses and rolled my eyes while trucker ass kept babbling about the junkies and homeless.
In which I educated him on the cost of living getting jacked up, middle class people, regular working class people were being forced out of their homes because of the massive increase in the cost of living due to Bezos and his monopoly. Also several were vets that were injured, couldn’t work and their benefits only went so far and they were older, some crippled and trying to survive, setting up communities, some not far from my house and some of the nicest people I’d ever met. I’d run them food, water, shit to get them through the random snow days, like blankets and scarves, gloves, etc. and they were not only grateful but happy, and when asked if there was anything else they needed out of the bag I’d carry around, they’ always say no. I had overheard him going on about being in the Coast Guard so I knew I wouldn’t get a kick back. He just stared at me and brought up the junkies.
So I informed him that while the Northwest, especially Seattle could be rainy and shitty, it was survivable through the elements, and sure there were asshole junkies, just like he and I used to be, but a good majority had mental health problems because this country doesn’t give them anywhere to go anymore. We fling our tax dollars at rocket ships and countless other bullshit things, like the massive wall, rather than putting up walls for the mentally ill to stay in and be taken care of properly, not like the old asylums where they treated them like trash, and if you’re homeless and mentally ill, what the fuck do you do? You self medicate. I looked right at his stupid face again. Nothing. Good.
Education and facts that make them face reality makes them extremely uncomfortable. Delivered in a cool and direct tone freaks them out into silence. Whether it’s because you just blew their little hamster brains and they were made to think about something other than scurrying back to their cage and wheel to run around and spin out on with their stupid regurgitated false ideas and concepts, or because you made the mother fuckers think. Maybe not go back to their hamster cage and evolve into a smarter creature… no shade to actual hamsters... They probably have more brains than the humans I’m slamming. I’d vote for a smart talking hamster too…
Fuck. Again. Moving on. So more things Seattle. He brought up the music scene being good. This I could agree on and divert from politics and anything to do with current events. I thought. He listed off some bands. Audioslave being his favorite. Now, you don’t mess with Cornell. That man was a genius, he brought a light, passion and power though his voice and music to the world. His death I still am not over. His music has gotten me through some serious shit. So at least this moron liked his music and respected him. How someone could listen to Cornell's music and have his views I had no idea. Clearly he didn’t listen to the lyrics.
He then went on to inform me that Hillary Clinton had him killed because he had dirt on her. Now I turned and lowered my glasses and raised my eyebrow. He rattled on about this conspiracy theory, (which I later looked up as I’d sure as hell never heard it before, and sure as shit, it was garbage). All I could do was keep my mouth shut and mentally repeat to myself no mug shots, no getting arrested, keep it cool, Bitch. When he stopped talking I just said huh, and I hadn’t heard that one. He then started spouting off about Audioslave being his favorite again, but didn’t like Rage Against The Machine because of the lead singer. I simply replied that I wasn’t surprised. This is a backhanded reply that someone might not know is me saying, no shit you stupid ass. Were you just one of those dumb fucks that realized Rage was against all the bullshit going on right now and back then, and all for a revolution? Yes you are. But stupid people are easily confused. He went on to say he hated Eddie Vedder. That he piggybacked off of Cornell. In which I did agree. So I went on my rant that Vedder did that to everyone in the music scene and on Cornell’s Temple of the Dog tour with Mother Love Bone, he failed to appear. He was too busy watching Cubs games. So fuck that guy. Can’t be bothered to show up on an album your poser ass jumped in on? I said I hoped he felt like a piece of shit for missing that and couldn’t sleep at night and that fucking guy could go fuck himself. And then my phone rang, thank Satan. It was my turn. He said, “Hey, I was here before you.” I just shrugged my shoulders and turned and walked away while he muttered slew of who knows what, by the skin of my ass. 2.5 hours in the heat and the shade gone by the time dip shit started running his mouth had worn my filter down and I didn’t know how much longer I could keep my composure.
So I sat down inside. Filled out my paperwork. Thanked the employees for being there; they all looked exhausted. They were busy flinging people out without masks that were mandated by the state the whole time I was there and the relentless assholes that would go in every half hour to see how much more time they had. Everybody came out with the same answer. 3 more. Which was never true. At least the employees got to have some fun giving the same answer. If you’re told it’s a three hour wait, look at your watch or phone, wait for the call and shut the fuck up. But people are self-centered, impatient and entitled. Places like the DMV, especially in these weird times, it’s blaring. You can’t not see it. Unless of course, you’re one of them.
So I signed the papers, stood back to get my picture taken. Trucker dude had walked in bitching about the wait. I was ready to get the fuck out. Snap it and take my money, I need out before this fuckwad sees me and starts off on that shit that he was there first malarkey. Hence the photo. I’d had enough. I was annoyed and I was in no mood. So that’s the eyebrow I go on about, there you go. Now you’ve seen it. And that look goes along way. It doesn’t say come at me, it says go away.
Moral of the story, you can check assholes spouting bullshit without getting aggressive and causing a scene. Now I spout some shit but I’m not one for shouting matches. I’ll check a mother fucker on some shit a little more sternly if they get in my face, but my tone is still low and usually I smile. That just says straight up crazy. They tell you if you go hiking and see a bear, not only run downhill but start singing and talking to yourself. They’ll think you’re nuts and won’t want to eat you. You might have a funk and kill them or make them sick. You’re undigestible. Same goes for assholes. If they’re being loud and obnoxious, stare, smile, speak your piece with facts, educate their asses and then stare them straight in the eye with a big ass smile. They’ll run. And fast. I’ve dealt with a lot of runners. Granted some are bat shit, and if they act really bat shit just get the fuck away from them, nothing good will come of it.
But if they’re just ignorant pieces of shit like the trucker biker bozo, then you react by spouting facts, educate their asses and shut them down with confusing statements where they’re not sure if you’re insulting them or not, but you’ve already deadpanned them a few times and your body posture doesn’t say I’m going to kill your ass, but it also doesn’t say I like your ass either. You’re unreadable and unpredictable and potentially have made them feel like a peon. Which is fine, they are. Don’t stick around longer than you have to. Educate, shut them down and walk away. If you’re stuck like I was, stick to your guns and get to booking as fast as you can when you can. Fuck pleasantries and goodbyes, just walk.
A lot can be said by not going off, but by a calm, smooth delivery of valid information. It might sink in, it might not. But they can’t really get shitty because you’ve already trapped them in a corner of the chessboard they can’t escape. If they get crazy, they look insane and will probably get hauled off. And remember ignorant bastards are usually cowards and worried about what other people think, so they will back down and have no choice but to listen to you without popping off. They aren’t smart enough to find a reason to walk away. They’re hamsters without their wheel, they’re confused and probably scared. All you’ve done is either made them want to run back to their wheel as fast as their little legs can run or abandon their wheel, or at least give it some good thought. All we can hope for, Dear Readers, is that we make a few of the hamsters think. Most of them won’t but don’t let that discourage you. One evolved hamster will follow suit in your footsteps and steer a few more hamsters from their repetitive wheel of bullshit to evolve. So don’t give up. All we can do is educate and do it in a way as to where they have no choice but to listen, if they stick around long enough to. And they will.
Good luck with the hamsters out there. Until next time…
Let me set the scene for you. It was 8:30 in the morning, every asshole and their brother was there lining up to scribble their name on a piece of paper hooked to a clipboard on a plastic chair sitting outside. Oddly enough I was number 13. I walk fast. I saw signing from a distance and hustled my ass through the parking lot. This was already going to be stupid. They’d call your phone when you could come in and said to wait in your car or outside 6 feet away from people.
I tried the car. I lasted a half hour. I was hot and not interested in burning gas to run the AC. I could just suck it up and stand in the shade. I found a spot to cram myself in some trees so people would stay the hell away from me. Not because I was abiding by the rules, but because I’m an antisocial fuck and didn’t want any other poor, bored bastards talking to me. Chitchat with strangers isn’t my thing. Shocker, I know.
So I got about a half hour of silence. Then some biker dude comes up to me and makes a comment about my tattoos. I couldn’t back up any further and don’t like being cornered and this asshole was a foot away from me inspecting me like some kind of specimen. I like your tattoos, where’d you get them and I have this one here, there, blah, blah… blah. The usual shit. To not be mute and have the shit repeated and try to deter further questioning and get him off my ass, he got the usual. Stare straight ahead, thanks, New York, cool. Never looking at him, arms crossed. He tried to say something about the weather and I just kept looking forward. He got the message and went on to pester someone else.
So back to alone time. I probably got a solid hour in. Not bad. Then a guy in a full on hazmat suit came out looking like a goddamn astronaut. Poor bastard was the driving test instructor. He climbed in this kid’s passenger seat, the kid backed up and when turning to go forward drove into the parked car a space over from him. I was like 12 feet away, so I had to back up, the shade was gone and the trees were pissing me off so I was on the pavement at this point. A lot of people backed up. And me being me, sometimes shit just falls out of my mouth, I said, “Well, he’s fucked.” I broke my silence and since everybody had clustered together due to this kid backing up and creaming the car in front of him, I broke my silence and fucked myself. Now I was in it. There was a general consensus that the kid failed. And who comes back over? The fucking hillbilly biker.
Now I knew I couldn’t be a total asshole and get shitty, the Sheriff’s Department was next door and there were cruisers in and out. I’d have to tone it down should he say something stupid, which was probable, I try not to judge, but sometimes you just know…
He asked why I was there, where I was from. I had already heard him rant on about boycotting sports except wrestling because of players taking a knee and how you don’t disrespect the country bullshit… I took a deep breath, cracked my neck and settled in for the long haul of behaving. I haven’t been locked up in over 9 years and I’d like to keep it that way. Plus I didn’t want to get kicked out and have to repeat this heinous process. I mean it would be one hell of a way to become a resident, but I’m not that big of an idiot. There’s ways to deal with idiot speak without getting loud and aggressive. Educate, divert, keep a low tone, flood their brains with facts and use your body language. You’re not entertaining, you’re not agreeing, but you’re not ready to kick their ass, and if there’s someone behind you that they’re probably offending, turn and roll your eyes, the this guy’s an idiot eye roll.
Well biker bro who was actually probably pushing 60 was also a trucker. Used to cook meth, clean now, so I gave him a good job and told him I was clean and sober as well. Which after telling me his life story that I wasn’t interested in, he circled back to Seattle. Saying that’s where all those crazy liberals are going on with all that Black Lives Matter shit, burning things to the ground and waving their signs. Now granted he obviously did not keep up on the news and hear George Floyd’s family ask for the violence to stop and that it only hurts the movement. In of which I informed his ass. And yes, there were fires, shootings and riots. And most of the shit disturbing was Antifa and goddamn over-privileged college snots trying to pretend to give a fuck and scream about something, most of which had nothing to do with the BLM movement. So that was the problem, not those for the BLM movement which has been long overdue in this country. Then I deadpanned him. I turned to the black man probably around my age behind me, lowered my sunglasses and rolled my eyes while trucker ass kept babbling about the junkies and homeless.
In which I educated him on the cost of living getting jacked up, middle class people, regular working class people were being forced out of their homes because of the massive increase in the cost of living due to Bezos and his monopoly. Also several were vets that were injured, couldn’t work and their benefits only went so far and they were older, some crippled and trying to survive, setting up communities, some not far from my house and some of the nicest people I’d ever met. I’d run them food, water, shit to get them through the random snow days, like blankets and scarves, gloves, etc. and they were not only grateful but happy, and when asked if there was anything else they needed out of the bag I’d carry around, they’ always say no. I had overheard him going on about being in the Coast Guard so I knew I wouldn’t get a kick back. He just stared at me and brought up the junkies.
So I informed him that while the Northwest, especially Seattle could be rainy and shitty, it was survivable through the elements, and sure there were asshole junkies, just like he and I used to be, but a good majority had mental health problems because this country doesn’t give them anywhere to go anymore. We fling our tax dollars at rocket ships and countless other bullshit things, like the massive wall, rather than putting up walls for the mentally ill to stay in and be taken care of properly, not like the old asylums where they treated them like trash, and if you’re homeless and mentally ill, what the fuck do you do? You self medicate. I looked right at his stupid face again. Nothing. Good.
Education and facts that make them face reality makes them extremely uncomfortable. Delivered in a cool and direct tone freaks them out into silence. Whether it’s because you just blew their little hamster brains and they were made to think about something other than scurrying back to their cage and wheel to run around and spin out on with their stupid regurgitated false ideas and concepts, or because you made the mother fuckers think. Maybe not go back to their hamster cage and evolve into a smarter creature… no shade to actual hamsters... They probably have more brains than the humans I’m slamming. I’d vote for a smart talking hamster too…
Fuck. Again. Moving on. So more things Seattle. He brought up the music scene being good. This I could agree on and divert from politics and anything to do with current events. I thought. He listed off some bands. Audioslave being his favorite. Now, you don’t mess with Cornell. That man was a genius, he brought a light, passion and power though his voice and music to the world. His death I still am not over. His music has gotten me through some serious shit. So at least this moron liked his music and respected him. How someone could listen to Cornell's music and have his views I had no idea. Clearly he didn’t listen to the lyrics.
He then went on to inform me that Hillary Clinton had him killed because he had dirt on her. Now I turned and lowered my glasses and raised my eyebrow. He rattled on about this conspiracy theory, (which I later looked up as I’d sure as hell never heard it before, and sure as shit, it was garbage). All I could do was keep my mouth shut and mentally repeat to myself no mug shots, no getting arrested, keep it cool, Bitch. When he stopped talking I just said huh, and I hadn’t heard that one. He then started spouting off about Audioslave being his favorite again, but didn’t like Rage Against The Machine because of the lead singer. I simply replied that I wasn’t surprised. This is a backhanded reply that someone might not know is me saying, no shit you stupid ass. Were you just one of those dumb fucks that realized Rage was against all the bullshit going on right now and back then, and all for a revolution? Yes you are. But stupid people are easily confused. He went on to say he hated Eddie Vedder. That he piggybacked off of Cornell. In which I did agree. So I went on my rant that Vedder did that to everyone in the music scene and on Cornell’s Temple of the Dog tour with Mother Love Bone, he failed to appear. He was too busy watching Cubs games. So fuck that guy. Can’t be bothered to show up on an album your poser ass jumped in on? I said I hoped he felt like a piece of shit for missing that and couldn’t sleep at night and that fucking guy could go fuck himself. And then my phone rang, thank Satan. It was my turn. He said, “Hey, I was here before you.” I just shrugged my shoulders and turned and walked away while he muttered slew of who knows what, by the skin of my ass. 2.5 hours in the heat and the shade gone by the time dip shit started running his mouth had worn my filter down and I didn’t know how much longer I could keep my composure.
So I sat down inside. Filled out my paperwork. Thanked the employees for being there; they all looked exhausted. They were busy flinging people out without masks that were mandated by the state the whole time I was there and the relentless assholes that would go in every half hour to see how much more time they had. Everybody came out with the same answer. 3 more. Which was never true. At least the employees got to have some fun giving the same answer. If you’re told it’s a three hour wait, look at your watch or phone, wait for the call and shut the fuck up. But people are self-centered, impatient and entitled. Places like the DMV, especially in these weird times, it’s blaring. You can’t not see it. Unless of course, you’re one of them.
So I signed the papers, stood back to get my picture taken. Trucker dude had walked in bitching about the wait. I was ready to get the fuck out. Snap it and take my money, I need out before this fuckwad sees me and starts off on that shit that he was there first malarkey. Hence the photo. I’d had enough. I was annoyed and I was in no mood. So that’s the eyebrow I go on about, there you go. Now you’ve seen it. And that look goes along way. It doesn’t say come at me, it says go away.
Moral of the story, you can check assholes spouting bullshit without getting aggressive and causing a scene. Now I spout some shit but I’m not one for shouting matches. I’ll check a mother fucker on some shit a little more sternly if they get in my face, but my tone is still low and usually I smile. That just says straight up crazy. They tell you if you go hiking and see a bear, not only run downhill but start singing and talking to yourself. They’ll think you’re nuts and won’t want to eat you. You might have a funk and kill them or make them sick. You’re undigestible. Same goes for assholes. If they’re being loud and obnoxious, stare, smile, speak your piece with facts, educate their asses and then stare them straight in the eye with a big ass smile. They’ll run. And fast. I’ve dealt with a lot of runners. Granted some are bat shit, and if they act really bat shit just get the fuck away from them, nothing good will come of it.
But if they’re just ignorant pieces of shit like the trucker biker bozo, then you react by spouting facts, educate their asses and shut them down with confusing statements where they’re not sure if you’re insulting them or not, but you’ve already deadpanned them a few times and your body posture doesn’t say I’m going to kill your ass, but it also doesn’t say I like your ass either. You’re unreadable and unpredictable and potentially have made them feel like a peon. Which is fine, they are. Don’t stick around longer than you have to. Educate, shut them down and walk away. If you’re stuck like I was, stick to your guns and get to booking as fast as you can when you can. Fuck pleasantries and goodbyes, just walk.
A lot can be said by not going off, but by a calm, smooth delivery of valid information. It might sink in, it might not. But they can’t really get shitty because you’ve already trapped them in a corner of the chessboard they can’t escape. If they get crazy, they look insane and will probably get hauled off. And remember ignorant bastards are usually cowards and worried about what other people think, so they will back down and have no choice but to listen to you without popping off. They aren’t smart enough to find a reason to walk away. They’re hamsters without their wheel, they’re confused and probably scared. All you’ve done is either made them want to run back to their wheel as fast as their little legs can run or abandon their wheel, or at least give it some good thought. All we can hope for, Dear Readers, is that we make a few of the hamsters think. Most of them won’t but don’t let that discourage you. One evolved hamster will follow suit in your footsteps and steer a few more hamsters from their repetitive wheel of bullshit to evolve. So don’t give up. All we can do is educate and do it in a way as to where they have no choice but to listen, if they stick around long enough to. And they will.
Good luck with the hamsters out there. Until next time…