I learned a few things from my nightly meditations. Issues I frequently deal with. Anger and Forgiveness. Now I’m not perpetually angry, (although in my writing it may seem that way), but I am slow to forgive, if I do. I can harbor a good Fuck You for a very long time. Neither one of these things are healthy and anger over the years I have spent much time working on. How to feel it rise, ride it out and get through it; but not how to push it away, examine it and acknowledge it without throwing it in the back of the little black box stored in the mind of all of the memories and information we don’t want to think about or that have hurt us to the point where we can’t process them anymore. So in the box they go. But this is going to focus on anger held in non-forgiveness.
Forgiveness I can honestly say I’ve never given a swing at. Sure I’ve forgiven people, or I thought, but still harbored that Fuck You. I thought that was good enough and if an asshole was an asshole, why bother forgive them? And have I fake accepted apologies or not given people the chance? Absolutely. More times than I can count. Now I can’t fix this overnight and there’s a voice in the back of my head cursing me to not try to work on it. To let the assholes rot and fuck them, and forgiving them means you’re saying it’s ok to what they did.
Now that’s bullshit and it wasn’t until doing one of my guided meditations recently that I realized that way of thinking was bullshit. In the meditation it spoke of how forgiving someone wasn’t saying it was ok, it wasn’t that I was forgiving them or accepting an apology for them to feel better or freeing their conscious, it was so I could let go and walk away unburdened. I had trouble wrapping my brain around it. I liked that concept because it wasn’t giving the person an out or a that’s ok, or doing it for them, that I was doing it for me. So I tried it. And I did feel a release, and I did feel the anger fade. Thinking of that person, if they popped in my head, instead of going down the fuck you, mother fucker path of anger as the two go hand in hand, I was able to have a neutral if not a completely blank emotional response. I had let go. My battle with forgiveness and angst towards it seemed to have paid off.
Now, that was my first attempt, and one that was more fresh and raw. I didn’t communicate it to the person; I just sat, thought of the situation and spoke it out loud. And thinking of it now, I don’t feel angry or like I gave in. I just don’t have that burden. I wouldn’t say I feel sorry for the person, that they’re mentally fucked, but I’m apathetic I guess. I just don’t care, it’s done, I took away a great deal from the situation and I don’t feel anything in regards to them personally. Granted I had to repeat this multiple times to have that apathy totally kick in, and probably again in the future. Remind myself.
It’s truly odd and got me to thinking of making a head count of all the assholes I’ve never forgiven and wonder how much free headspace that will clear up. And forgiveness doesn’t mean they’re not an asshole anymore, someone that hurt you, it’s just that you’re not letting them hurt you anymore. You’re eradicating it and walking away.
For me, even writing this, even after it did work, I still don’t know if I like the idea, I know I should, I know it works and I feel better, but god dammit, I guess I just like hating assholes. Which means I have a lot of work to do in that particular area. Which, undoubtedly is tied to the amounts of inner anger I harbor tied to that non-forgiveness aspect in me. That inner anger in which does me no good.
Anger has its place, it gets shit done. It gets us to move and act on things that are unjust and act accordingly. It can fuel creativity and light a fire under our asses to change shit in our lives and in our surroundings and in the world, but… and this is a big but; it has to be bridled, it has to be reined in, for if not, that’s how awful things happen. In anger we have to learn how to utilize it. How if it affects us, how can we handle it? Can we create something and get it out, can we raise awareness after we cool down in various outlets? Can we use it to move ourselves in a positive direction in the future? Absolutely. It’s a driving emotion but one that has to be worked on and fine-tuned after many years and much attention. Also not something that happens overnight.
For me, a few of my triggers are disrespect, lying, manipulation, rude behavior and flat out projection onto me or another person because the other person can’t cope with their own shit. This will automatically get my blood boiling. When I was younger I would rip a fucker a new one, than later do as I’ve wrote about, fling it in the box in the back of my head. Now, I do as I've wrote in pervious posts, keep low toned in my voice, check and educate.
And in some silly and non-major instances like someone just being a dumb twat, I’ll get that feeling. I know when it’s not worth saying anything, but after I get more pissed because I feel I couldn’t rip them a new one. I had to behave and not stoop to their level, I’ll stew on it and think of what I could have said, (this too has decreased), but the stewing is still a prominent issue. In a similar guided mediation is where I learned a tactic on Anger, when you feel it rise, acknowledge it, push it back, examine it as anger, look at the situation and how it made us feel without judging ourselves or the feeling, breathe and let it go. I tried it repeatedly for the last few weeks, and sure as shit it worked and it wasn’t in the back of my head. How I can test this, I pull the memory and see if it has an effect, if it’s vague and there’s no attachment and I respond with nothing, a laugh or a shrug, a who cares, I know it’s not in the box. The little shit. Now. If I can’t pull it right away, it’s crammed back into the bowels of that box. I have yet to experience that in my new experiment but know it will come. There will be something small in which I’ve hung onto. Or if I have a negative reaction, I haven’t settled it and it was in the box and I have more work to do and need to do the push, examine, understand and release. To forgive.
My hesitance on forgiveness is a hang up that will take time. Deprogramming and reprogramming the brain after a lifetime of mental behavior doesn’t happen quickly. For me, it will be those that surface, after I deal with the anger, then do the forgiveness bit. It will take time for me to wrap my head around that its not condoning the behavior or saying it’s ok, but a letting go for the self so I can move on. And I’d like that. To move on and be done with it. For the one situation it’s nice. It’s almost off my shit list.
But am I still a firm believer in there are some things that are unforgivable? Yes. Sure there are other coping mechanisms to help oneself deal with what we deem unforgivable, but they do have forgiveness involved, so I guess I just double crossed myself in how I think. Forgiveness is still there in healing and moving forward. For instance, major tragedies, what do we do? I guess that’s the grey area. Do we sit with it, let it eat us alive or utilize the anger and upset that coincide with it to move forward and take positive action so it doesn’t repeat itself or continue? That I think is the combination, and when that is settled, then one can let go and forgive... For our own sanity. Do you forgive the guy with a gun pointed at you across a battlefield in the middle of the war, no, you fight back. Then deal with the fallout after. And again that’s a metaphor, I’m not condoning violence, but it gets the point across. I guess the mediation would say to forgive the guy on the battlefield that shot you in the arm in battle. Or blew your best friend’s head off in the bunkers in front of you. At some point, when the dust settles and the war is over and won, whether it’s for massive change or shit in our own lives, I guess that’s when the forgiveness kicks in. After it’s said and done, we’ve had space and have processed it, we forgive. And it doesn’t mean we have to reconnect with the person to do it. There are many occasions when it’s more conducive and healthy, not to mention safe, to do it on our own through our thoughts or spoken out loud by oneself, as I did.
I’ve never been one for a kumbaya life, but a little less teeth gritting, not harboring distain for past indiscretions upon me would be nice. And would I like those uprisings to fade, but still be able to use them to help others and clear my mind for more space for future work that needs to be done? Yes.
So, I’m giving forgiveness a shot. I can’t say I’m happy about it, but I’m not going to be that guy that plays the old dog, new tricks card.
I watched my grandfather, who I love dearly, he’s been gone almost 20 years now, live a life of non-forgiveness. He had a wicked sense of humor, was kind, caring and worked his ass off. But one of his main things he’d always say was, “apologies, I don’t make them and I don’t accept them.” And while on the outside he was light hearted and could rip a one liner or play a practical joke like no other, he had a quick temper and let nothing slide. Looking back I can see how that consumed him. And while he was a large part of me being who I am today in a positive way, I can also see what I don’t want to inherit. And I know he was that way for the same reasons I am. He didn’t create that in me, that was born through my own lifetime of experiences and dealing with shit from a small scale to extreme, and plenty of it. Seeing how it wore him down and how quick it led him to spout off; in thinking this over, I realized I didn’t want that build up and like it or not, it was something I’d have to work on, steadily and fully, not half-assed and not something I could put off.
Just like with Anger, I had to bite the bullet, put a distance between me and my closest pal and form a new and healthy relationship with it.
I know I will buck this new task of forgiveness, I know I’ll continue to lip curl through it, but if I keep at it, that will fade, and who the fuck doesn’t want an unburdened mind?
So I challenge you to do the same.
The direct quote that did it for me was, “Today I decided to forgive you. Not because you apologized or acknowledged the pain that you caused me, but because my soul deservers peace.” – Najwa Zebian.
In which the narrator who guided the meditation followed it with, “as you forgive, you set yourself free.” And that really hit home, I wanted to be free of the assholes in my past. Whether there was an apology or acknowledgement like in the main quote or not, (which sometimes you’ll never get one and that I feel has to be noted because even if there is none, we can still do this, so you can add, “or didn’t”, if that helps), but regardless, to be free of them, the hurt and pain that triggers that anger. It relinquishes any further control it has on you. And that I don’t allow, letting someone have control over me, I like to be in control. I was taking that control back. And while I may have pulled almost all of my control back from the person/situation, this was the last remaining piece, hence my willingness to try.
So far it’s working. And I am always up for a challenge even if I know it’s something I’m going to absolutely fucking hate, because in the end, if we work hard enough; those are the challenges we not only win, but also come out for the better.
So who’s going to try this bat shit, crazy forgiveness thing with me? All in? Toss in your chips.
Until Next Time…
Side Note: Forgive doesn’t mean forget, you remember the shit so you can utilize it to help others, rise up against wrong doing, use it to strengthen you, not weaken you, because you don’t have the hurt tied to it. Sure you’ve made peace with it and it no longer has the emotional attachment to it, but you have the ware withal to use it in the future to your advantage. You become the warrior not the prisoner.
Forgiveness I can honestly say I’ve never given a swing at. Sure I’ve forgiven people, or I thought, but still harbored that Fuck You. I thought that was good enough and if an asshole was an asshole, why bother forgive them? And have I fake accepted apologies or not given people the chance? Absolutely. More times than I can count. Now I can’t fix this overnight and there’s a voice in the back of my head cursing me to not try to work on it. To let the assholes rot and fuck them, and forgiving them means you’re saying it’s ok to what they did.
Now that’s bullshit and it wasn’t until doing one of my guided meditations recently that I realized that way of thinking was bullshit. In the meditation it spoke of how forgiving someone wasn’t saying it was ok, it wasn’t that I was forgiving them or accepting an apology for them to feel better or freeing their conscious, it was so I could let go and walk away unburdened. I had trouble wrapping my brain around it. I liked that concept because it wasn’t giving the person an out or a that’s ok, or doing it for them, that I was doing it for me. So I tried it. And I did feel a release, and I did feel the anger fade. Thinking of that person, if they popped in my head, instead of going down the fuck you, mother fucker path of anger as the two go hand in hand, I was able to have a neutral if not a completely blank emotional response. I had let go. My battle with forgiveness and angst towards it seemed to have paid off.
Now, that was my first attempt, and one that was more fresh and raw. I didn’t communicate it to the person; I just sat, thought of the situation and spoke it out loud. And thinking of it now, I don’t feel angry or like I gave in. I just don’t have that burden. I wouldn’t say I feel sorry for the person, that they’re mentally fucked, but I’m apathetic I guess. I just don’t care, it’s done, I took away a great deal from the situation and I don’t feel anything in regards to them personally. Granted I had to repeat this multiple times to have that apathy totally kick in, and probably again in the future. Remind myself.
It’s truly odd and got me to thinking of making a head count of all the assholes I’ve never forgiven and wonder how much free headspace that will clear up. And forgiveness doesn’t mean they’re not an asshole anymore, someone that hurt you, it’s just that you’re not letting them hurt you anymore. You’re eradicating it and walking away.
For me, even writing this, even after it did work, I still don’t know if I like the idea, I know I should, I know it works and I feel better, but god dammit, I guess I just like hating assholes. Which means I have a lot of work to do in that particular area. Which, undoubtedly is tied to the amounts of inner anger I harbor tied to that non-forgiveness aspect in me. That inner anger in which does me no good.
Anger has its place, it gets shit done. It gets us to move and act on things that are unjust and act accordingly. It can fuel creativity and light a fire under our asses to change shit in our lives and in our surroundings and in the world, but… and this is a big but; it has to be bridled, it has to be reined in, for if not, that’s how awful things happen. In anger we have to learn how to utilize it. How if it affects us, how can we handle it? Can we create something and get it out, can we raise awareness after we cool down in various outlets? Can we use it to move ourselves in a positive direction in the future? Absolutely. It’s a driving emotion but one that has to be worked on and fine-tuned after many years and much attention. Also not something that happens overnight.
For me, a few of my triggers are disrespect, lying, manipulation, rude behavior and flat out projection onto me or another person because the other person can’t cope with their own shit. This will automatically get my blood boiling. When I was younger I would rip a fucker a new one, than later do as I’ve wrote about, fling it in the box in the back of my head. Now, I do as I've wrote in pervious posts, keep low toned in my voice, check and educate.
And in some silly and non-major instances like someone just being a dumb twat, I’ll get that feeling. I know when it’s not worth saying anything, but after I get more pissed because I feel I couldn’t rip them a new one. I had to behave and not stoop to their level, I’ll stew on it and think of what I could have said, (this too has decreased), but the stewing is still a prominent issue. In a similar guided mediation is where I learned a tactic on Anger, when you feel it rise, acknowledge it, push it back, examine it as anger, look at the situation and how it made us feel without judging ourselves or the feeling, breathe and let it go. I tried it repeatedly for the last few weeks, and sure as shit it worked and it wasn’t in the back of my head. How I can test this, I pull the memory and see if it has an effect, if it’s vague and there’s no attachment and I respond with nothing, a laugh or a shrug, a who cares, I know it’s not in the box. The little shit. Now. If I can’t pull it right away, it’s crammed back into the bowels of that box. I have yet to experience that in my new experiment but know it will come. There will be something small in which I’ve hung onto. Or if I have a negative reaction, I haven’t settled it and it was in the box and I have more work to do and need to do the push, examine, understand and release. To forgive.
My hesitance on forgiveness is a hang up that will take time. Deprogramming and reprogramming the brain after a lifetime of mental behavior doesn’t happen quickly. For me, it will be those that surface, after I deal with the anger, then do the forgiveness bit. It will take time for me to wrap my head around that its not condoning the behavior or saying it’s ok, but a letting go for the self so I can move on. And I’d like that. To move on and be done with it. For the one situation it’s nice. It’s almost off my shit list.
But am I still a firm believer in there are some things that are unforgivable? Yes. Sure there are other coping mechanisms to help oneself deal with what we deem unforgivable, but they do have forgiveness involved, so I guess I just double crossed myself in how I think. Forgiveness is still there in healing and moving forward. For instance, major tragedies, what do we do? I guess that’s the grey area. Do we sit with it, let it eat us alive or utilize the anger and upset that coincide with it to move forward and take positive action so it doesn’t repeat itself or continue? That I think is the combination, and when that is settled, then one can let go and forgive... For our own sanity. Do you forgive the guy with a gun pointed at you across a battlefield in the middle of the war, no, you fight back. Then deal with the fallout after. And again that’s a metaphor, I’m not condoning violence, but it gets the point across. I guess the mediation would say to forgive the guy on the battlefield that shot you in the arm in battle. Or blew your best friend’s head off in the bunkers in front of you. At some point, when the dust settles and the war is over and won, whether it’s for massive change or shit in our own lives, I guess that’s when the forgiveness kicks in. After it’s said and done, we’ve had space and have processed it, we forgive. And it doesn’t mean we have to reconnect with the person to do it. There are many occasions when it’s more conducive and healthy, not to mention safe, to do it on our own through our thoughts or spoken out loud by oneself, as I did.
I’ve never been one for a kumbaya life, but a little less teeth gritting, not harboring distain for past indiscretions upon me would be nice. And would I like those uprisings to fade, but still be able to use them to help others and clear my mind for more space for future work that needs to be done? Yes.
So, I’m giving forgiveness a shot. I can’t say I’m happy about it, but I’m not going to be that guy that plays the old dog, new tricks card.
I watched my grandfather, who I love dearly, he’s been gone almost 20 years now, live a life of non-forgiveness. He had a wicked sense of humor, was kind, caring and worked his ass off. But one of his main things he’d always say was, “apologies, I don’t make them and I don’t accept them.” And while on the outside he was light hearted and could rip a one liner or play a practical joke like no other, he had a quick temper and let nothing slide. Looking back I can see how that consumed him. And while he was a large part of me being who I am today in a positive way, I can also see what I don’t want to inherit. And I know he was that way for the same reasons I am. He didn’t create that in me, that was born through my own lifetime of experiences and dealing with shit from a small scale to extreme, and plenty of it. Seeing how it wore him down and how quick it led him to spout off; in thinking this over, I realized I didn’t want that build up and like it or not, it was something I’d have to work on, steadily and fully, not half-assed and not something I could put off.
Just like with Anger, I had to bite the bullet, put a distance between me and my closest pal and form a new and healthy relationship with it.
I know I will buck this new task of forgiveness, I know I’ll continue to lip curl through it, but if I keep at it, that will fade, and who the fuck doesn’t want an unburdened mind?
So I challenge you to do the same.
The direct quote that did it for me was, “Today I decided to forgive you. Not because you apologized or acknowledged the pain that you caused me, but because my soul deservers peace.” – Najwa Zebian.
In which the narrator who guided the meditation followed it with, “as you forgive, you set yourself free.” And that really hit home, I wanted to be free of the assholes in my past. Whether there was an apology or acknowledgement like in the main quote or not, (which sometimes you’ll never get one and that I feel has to be noted because even if there is none, we can still do this, so you can add, “or didn’t”, if that helps), but regardless, to be free of them, the hurt and pain that triggers that anger. It relinquishes any further control it has on you. And that I don’t allow, letting someone have control over me, I like to be in control. I was taking that control back. And while I may have pulled almost all of my control back from the person/situation, this was the last remaining piece, hence my willingness to try.
So far it’s working. And I am always up for a challenge even if I know it’s something I’m going to absolutely fucking hate, because in the end, if we work hard enough; those are the challenges we not only win, but also come out for the better.
So who’s going to try this bat shit, crazy forgiveness thing with me? All in? Toss in your chips.
Until Next Time…
Side Note: Forgive doesn’t mean forget, you remember the shit so you can utilize it to help others, rise up against wrong doing, use it to strengthen you, not weaken you, because you don’t have the hurt tied to it. Sure you’ve made peace with it and it no longer has the emotional attachment to it, but you have the ware withal to use it in the future to your advantage. You become the warrior not the prisoner.