I was walking back up to my apartment after taking my dogs out yesterday and it hit me. The shit people had been telling me the past 13 years.
I don’t know how I survived. How I’m alive.
I stopped, leaned against the wall and in a very short span of time all of the deadly shit I’d been through flashed before me and my decrepit brain filled with fear.
How the fuck was I still breathing?
It was almost as if none of the horrible, stupid and tragic shit I had done had ever registered. “You should be dead asshole,” kept repeating in my head.
I guess I should be; with all of the poor choices, bad behaviors and poor situations I’d put myself in.
I know and have known that I’m lucky to be upright, but the fear, the acknowledgment of it never really came.
I was always kind of like, “well, yea.” No emotion, nothing tied to it.
Which always threw people off. The apathy towards my survival.
I think that was because even through cleaning up, I still didn’t value my existence much. While I was no longer interested in destroying myself or killing myself off, I still didn’t care much for me.
I’ve always been rather apathetic towards myself and my existence.
Now the last 4+ months I’ve really and truly started to give a damn. Feared death actually, which never before happened. I wasn’t ready, versus the usual, “yeah, whatever.”
So I’m guessing that’s where the revelation stemmed from. The true, guttural, visceral feeling of, “holy fuck, I can’t believe I’m alive.”
So here I am and here I’ll be. Not killing myself off and not fucking throwing boulders in my path. Continuing to clear the ruble and make my life as rad as fucking possible. No more man-made road blocks.
Buy Hi, Have You Met Me? on Amazon today! http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00B009W1M
Check out the blog on it's home site @
www.hihaveyoumetme.com for previous writings and more.
Don’t forget to stalk me further at https://twitter.com/#!/hihaveyoumetme orhttp://www.facebook.com/authorkatemonahan
I don’t know how I survived. How I’m alive.
I stopped, leaned against the wall and in a very short span of time all of the deadly shit I’d been through flashed before me and my decrepit brain filled with fear.
How the fuck was I still breathing?
It was almost as if none of the horrible, stupid and tragic shit I had done had ever registered. “You should be dead asshole,” kept repeating in my head.
I guess I should be; with all of the poor choices, bad behaviors and poor situations I’d put myself in.
I know and have known that I’m lucky to be upright, but the fear, the acknowledgment of it never really came.
I was always kind of like, “well, yea.” No emotion, nothing tied to it.
Which always threw people off. The apathy towards my survival.
I think that was because even through cleaning up, I still didn’t value my existence much. While I was no longer interested in destroying myself or killing myself off, I still didn’t care much for me.
I’ve always been rather apathetic towards myself and my existence.
Now the last 4+ months I’ve really and truly started to give a damn. Feared death actually, which never before happened. I wasn’t ready, versus the usual, “yeah, whatever.”
So I’m guessing that’s where the revelation stemmed from. The true, guttural, visceral feeling of, “holy fuck, I can’t believe I’m alive.”
So here I am and here I’ll be. Not killing myself off and not fucking throwing boulders in my path. Continuing to clear the ruble and make my life as rad as fucking possible. No more man-made road blocks.
Buy Hi, Have You Met Me? on Amazon today! http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00B009W1M
Check out the blog on it's home site @
www.hihaveyoumetme.com for previous writings and more.
Don’t forget to stalk me further at https://twitter.com/#!/hihaveyoumetme orhttp://www.facebook.com/authorkatemonahan