“You know, everybody’s been tellin’ me what they think about me for the last few months
Maybe it’s time I tell ‘em what I think about them”
-Eminem, “Fall”
Silence can be deadly. In most cases it is, and in many ways. Literally, metaphorically and the death of our mental, physical and emotional wellbeing.
Life throws us curveballs, people are assholes, manipulative and hurtful, situations are oppressive and vile and the world is full of corruption. Sound about right?
Sometimes we’re scared into silence. Sometimes it’s shock, sometimes we stay too long in the healing process of quietly assessing and healing and get trapped. All are damning to ourselves and those suffering similar fates.
So what do I mean by silence? Literally not fucking talking. Not doing anything or taking action. Squirreling ourselves away to be haunted by something or someone or just being apathetic, that shitty, “someone else will do it, say something, do something.” This is the deadliest of all. Don’t be that dip-shit.
As we’ve seen over the past several weeks across the globe silence has been broken, things are changing for the better and people are waking up, whether it’s a silent protest, a vocal one, all are actions of non-silence. This is how shit gets done. We’re seeing it now and it’s a beautiful thing and a fucking powerful one. But we’re not done yet, there cannot be silence until the goal is served and injustice is wiped out. So in life, there will never be silence, there may be pauses after something has been remedied, but there will be more and there must be no silence.
As far as in one’s personal life. This one can be the hardest to get behind for a multitude of reasons. Fear. Fear of a person, repercussions on speaking out, shame, (unwarranted), embarrassment, (unwarranted), depression and anxiety. Whatever has happened to you, you were made to feel that way and to be silenced for the offender’s safety of reputation and protection from consequence. You know what? Fuck that and fuck them.
It’s easy to say leave it and try to heal on one’s own, at least try, but this doesn’t get you very far. It only makes the solitude and plethora of shitty feelings multiply like a pack of rabid dogs. This can range from isolation all the way to suicide. So whom do you talk to? Therapists, friends, family, reach out to others that may have suffered through a similar shit storm or been harmed by the same individual. If people notice something and ask if you’re ok, tell them you’re not if you’re not and most importantly, what the fuck happened. While this can be scary it’s what you have to do. You will regain your peace of mind and there is strength in numbers. The isolation fades, you know you’re not alone and you become empowered. Also it gives one the needed balls to step up to any shit talker they may encounter in regards to their situation. For me, it’s best to leave me alone unless you want a diatribe of facts listed off to your ass and checkmate. If the oppressor, abuser, violator doesn’t fuck off after tactics of de-escalation have been exasperated, don’t come back and try to reach out, you won’t like what I have to say, another checkmate. And if you have a question, just fucking ask, if you think you won’t like the answer, make sure and grab a Kleenex first, bitch.
Times have changed; while there are still some assholes that will stand by the violator, don’t fear them. Your tenacity will shut them down and your voices will be heard loud and clear, unlike many years ago, for example when a woman couldn’t speak of rape because she would be chastised. I lived through that over a decade ago. It was hell and I damn near died from the torture of my own mind after shutting up for too long and drinking myself stupid to forget about it. But FUCK THAT. Don’t do that to yourself.
Recently I came out of an extremely mentally abusive relationship. I’ve hinted at that in previous posts. This was some shit I’d never experienced before and was ill prepared on how to handle it. I didn’t know what the fuck was going on, it was weird, uncomfortable, started slow and then escalated like a ball of snow rolling down a mountain turning into a fucking avalanche and burying my ass. I felt myself shutting down, as the behaviors of the other escalated in insanity by the day and then hour, I didn’t know up from down, and when they left my head was left spinning. In a new place, knowing my name would be dragged through the mud in this small town, as that was their habit, talking shit and being the victim. So I finally started talking. I wasn’t alone and this individual’s behavior was known, more so than I thought. There was a pattern. This gave me great peace and the freedom to talk about it publicly as I am now, without fear of what might happen to me. When asked questions I have responded honestly and not covering and lying for the person out of fear and potential repercussion, I came out of isolation and hiding from my neighbors and everyone around me and answered the questions posed to me that I knew were coming. I’ll be god dammed if I cover someone’s ass for putting me through hell for months, leaching off my ass, spinning my head like the fucking exorcist and making everything my fault no matter what I did or how I did it. The accusations, the belittling, the mental torture and then getting left on my ass alone to cover all the bills and clean up the mess they’d made after I made it known I wasn’t going to be treated that way. And I’m the bad guy, heh, that’s a fucking good one, Buddy.
I’m sure I’ll be left alone, and seeing as most abusers are cowards, they shy away from conflict or being called out on their behavior. They become silent, and that kind is the only kind that is acceptable. Those are the ones that need to shut the fuck up and stay away, and your story needs to be told as well as others who have suffered the same fate so as to help prevent a repeat with a new victim. I’m not saying go out there and shit talk to shit talk. But let your situation be known and if confronted, don’t back down.
If you feel as though you might be in danger, find protection. Change your locks, I was told to, shit… Change your number and take legal action if necessary, call the fucking cops, get a restraining order, whatever you need to do to protect yourself and honestly, learning self-defense is useful and cathartic as hell. Remember, every situation is different. It doesn’t mean you can’t talk about it, just make sure the asshole(s) can’t get to you. Tell your neighbors, give descriptions and let people around you know. But again most are cowards, but some are not. That I’ve lived through as well, again in my early twenties, about a month after I was raped. Having my power cut and being barricaded in my home at the barrel of a shotgun. I was able to run, get the dog out of a window and exit through a basement crawlspace and run into the middle of the street calling for help. Even in drinking myself into a stupor, I didn’t shut up about it, (granted that was back when nobody believed you, it almost got me killed), but I got protection orders and kept talking. But in a way I did shut up by numbing myself out. That part was damning and I silenced my mind in a harmful and dangerous way.
Once sober I could react differently in tough/shitty/fucked up situations. I knew better how to protect myself, cover my bases, create a plan, talk to others and be ready for any kickback to me going public with what happened to others and myself. But I’m not perfect; I get thrown off guard like I did with this most recent one. I might have been a little shaky these last few months, but now? Nah.
So here’s an analogy and then I’ll leave it at that after an explanation and invitation. This is an ANALOGY, this instates no harm to others, but analogies as I write in frequently and in the metaphorical, are powerful ways to drive a point home.
Take the silencer on a gun for example. What is the point of a silencer? To subdue the sound of the bullet leaving the chamber so as to be able to surprise the victim and flee the scene undetected. To easily sneak up and put a bullet in the back of someone’s head, silenced. The victim is dead, the killer gets away. All due to the silencer.
So. If we stay silent, we’re handing those oppressing us, harming us, stripping us of our rights, the silencer to the gun that will take us down. Mentally, physically and emotionally. So why the fuck would we do that? Don’t give anyone that power. Overcome your fear of any kickback, know your worth and get vocal, but make sure you’re protected in case you’re dealing with a violent person. You need to cover your ass first. Honestly, file a restraining order, and get them locked up. And upon their release if it is that serious, devise a plan for your safety. But you do not need to isolate yourself and not speak about it. That silence can metaphorically kill you and I’ve seen suicides over it. Don’t give the oppressor the upper hand. Don’t give the abuser the upper hand. Don’t give the manipulator the upper hand. Do not hand them the mother-fucking silencer.
Get through the fear, the what-ifs, (there are many), ranging form no one will believe me, it will make it worse, they’ll turn people against me, no one will care. Trust me, people will care and with an army of people backing you who know, it’s doubtful the coward will come back. Like most oppressors and abusers and assholes, underneath their manipulation and abuse there’s a narrative they tell themselves and others to sleep tight at night to be the everlasting victim; they’re pussies. So get a support group, get your confidence up, reclaim your inner warrior and get talking. Not only will you help yourself, but countless others that might be or could be in the same or similar situation.
I swallowed my doubt and fears, (yes my loud ass gets scared, mainly when dealing with completely erratic, mentally abusive behavior that flips on a dime and you never know what will happen and you’re living minute to minute, hour to hour, treading unknown waters). I kicked fear’s ass and here I am, I’m talking about it and I’m ready for the kickback.
So anyone out there, yes you, if you’re reading this going, “oh shit, me?” … Yes, you. If you believe(d) the oppressor, the recent slander and bullshit swirling around about me, you drank the Kool-Aid, let me give you some charcoal to absorb that shit and wake you the fuck up. You want to know what happened before you form an opinion? Get some fucking balls and ask. Email me on my site, DM me on IG, and if you have my number, well there you go. And if you feel like an asshole now, good. You should. You’ve most likely been siding with the wrong people for a while.
I hate pussies. I hate followers. I hate weak people that believe anything they hear and cover their ears when they think they might hear something they don’t want to. The metaphorical deaf, dumb and blind. So if you think some sideways shit or have a question, maybe you should just fucking ask? So why don’t you try something new, huh? Why don’t you ask me the little questions burning in your mind? I’d be glad to answer and I’m sure some other people would too. I’m not the only one… So what are you waiting for? Grab a Kleenex, grab a Depends and get to typing. You got your invitation.
Now to get back to the main point…Fuck.
To all of you out there, please abandon handing over the metaphorical silencer and speak your truth. It is only you that can begin breaking the chains of intended silencing induced by fear tactics. Build your army and break the chains, and once you’ve successfully done so, help others break theirs. The more we do this, the more lives we’ll save from all of the bullshit bestowed upon us and society. It’s not easy, but nothing worth fighting for and living for is.
Don’t Shut Up, Speak Up.
Till next time...
And next week, which only seems apropos, I’ll be talking about how numbing yourself with drugs and alcohol can fuck you into oblivion. Get ready. I’ve got stories.
Maybe it’s time I tell ‘em what I think about them”
-Eminem, “Fall”
Silence can be deadly. In most cases it is, and in many ways. Literally, metaphorically and the death of our mental, physical and emotional wellbeing.
Life throws us curveballs, people are assholes, manipulative and hurtful, situations are oppressive and vile and the world is full of corruption. Sound about right?
Sometimes we’re scared into silence. Sometimes it’s shock, sometimes we stay too long in the healing process of quietly assessing and healing and get trapped. All are damning to ourselves and those suffering similar fates.
So what do I mean by silence? Literally not fucking talking. Not doing anything or taking action. Squirreling ourselves away to be haunted by something or someone or just being apathetic, that shitty, “someone else will do it, say something, do something.” This is the deadliest of all. Don’t be that dip-shit.
As we’ve seen over the past several weeks across the globe silence has been broken, things are changing for the better and people are waking up, whether it’s a silent protest, a vocal one, all are actions of non-silence. This is how shit gets done. We’re seeing it now and it’s a beautiful thing and a fucking powerful one. But we’re not done yet, there cannot be silence until the goal is served and injustice is wiped out. So in life, there will never be silence, there may be pauses after something has been remedied, but there will be more and there must be no silence.
As far as in one’s personal life. This one can be the hardest to get behind for a multitude of reasons. Fear. Fear of a person, repercussions on speaking out, shame, (unwarranted), embarrassment, (unwarranted), depression and anxiety. Whatever has happened to you, you were made to feel that way and to be silenced for the offender’s safety of reputation and protection from consequence. You know what? Fuck that and fuck them.
It’s easy to say leave it and try to heal on one’s own, at least try, but this doesn’t get you very far. It only makes the solitude and plethora of shitty feelings multiply like a pack of rabid dogs. This can range from isolation all the way to suicide. So whom do you talk to? Therapists, friends, family, reach out to others that may have suffered through a similar shit storm or been harmed by the same individual. If people notice something and ask if you’re ok, tell them you’re not if you’re not and most importantly, what the fuck happened. While this can be scary it’s what you have to do. You will regain your peace of mind and there is strength in numbers. The isolation fades, you know you’re not alone and you become empowered. Also it gives one the needed balls to step up to any shit talker they may encounter in regards to their situation. For me, it’s best to leave me alone unless you want a diatribe of facts listed off to your ass and checkmate. If the oppressor, abuser, violator doesn’t fuck off after tactics of de-escalation have been exasperated, don’t come back and try to reach out, you won’t like what I have to say, another checkmate. And if you have a question, just fucking ask, if you think you won’t like the answer, make sure and grab a Kleenex first, bitch.
Times have changed; while there are still some assholes that will stand by the violator, don’t fear them. Your tenacity will shut them down and your voices will be heard loud and clear, unlike many years ago, for example when a woman couldn’t speak of rape because she would be chastised. I lived through that over a decade ago. It was hell and I damn near died from the torture of my own mind after shutting up for too long and drinking myself stupid to forget about it. But FUCK THAT. Don’t do that to yourself.
Recently I came out of an extremely mentally abusive relationship. I’ve hinted at that in previous posts. This was some shit I’d never experienced before and was ill prepared on how to handle it. I didn’t know what the fuck was going on, it was weird, uncomfortable, started slow and then escalated like a ball of snow rolling down a mountain turning into a fucking avalanche and burying my ass. I felt myself shutting down, as the behaviors of the other escalated in insanity by the day and then hour, I didn’t know up from down, and when they left my head was left spinning. In a new place, knowing my name would be dragged through the mud in this small town, as that was their habit, talking shit and being the victim. So I finally started talking. I wasn’t alone and this individual’s behavior was known, more so than I thought. There was a pattern. This gave me great peace and the freedom to talk about it publicly as I am now, without fear of what might happen to me. When asked questions I have responded honestly and not covering and lying for the person out of fear and potential repercussion, I came out of isolation and hiding from my neighbors and everyone around me and answered the questions posed to me that I knew were coming. I’ll be god dammed if I cover someone’s ass for putting me through hell for months, leaching off my ass, spinning my head like the fucking exorcist and making everything my fault no matter what I did or how I did it. The accusations, the belittling, the mental torture and then getting left on my ass alone to cover all the bills and clean up the mess they’d made after I made it known I wasn’t going to be treated that way. And I’m the bad guy, heh, that’s a fucking good one, Buddy.
I’m sure I’ll be left alone, and seeing as most abusers are cowards, they shy away from conflict or being called out on their behavior. They become silent, and that kind is the only kind that is acceptable. Those are the ones that need to shut the fuck up and stay away, and your story needs to be told as well as others who have suffered the same fate so as to help prevent a repeat with a new victim. I’m not saying go out there and shit talk to shit talk. But let your situation be known and if confronted, don’t back down.
If you feel as though you might be in danger, find protection. Change your locks, I was told to, shit… Change your number and take legal action if necessary, call the fucking cops, get a restraining order, whatever you need to do to protect yourself and honestly, learning self-defense is useful and cathartic as hell. Remember, every situation is different. It doesn’t mean you can’t talk about it, just make sure the asshole(s) can’t get to you. Tell your neighbors, give descriptions and let people around you know. But again most are cowards, but some are not. That I’ve lived through as well, again in my early twenties, about a month after I was raped. Having my power cut and being barricaded in my home at the barrel of a shotgun. I was able to run, get the dog out of a window and exit through a basement crawlspace and run into the middle of the street calling for help. Even in drinking myself into a stupor, I didn’t shut up about it, (granted that was back when nobody believed you, it almost got me killed), but I got protection orders and kept talking. But in a way I did shut up by numbing myself out. That part was damning and I silenced my mind in a harmful and dangerous way.
Once sober I could react differently in tough/shitty/fucked up situations. I knew better how to protect myself, cover my bases, create a plan, talk to others and be ready for any kickback to me going public with what happened to others and myself. But I’m not perfect; I get thrown off guard like I did with this most recent one. I might have been a little shaky these last few months, but now? Nah.
So here’s an analogy and then I’ll leave it at that after an explanation and invitation. This is an ANALOGY, this instates no harm to others, but analogies as I write in frequently and in the metaphorical, are powerful ways to drive a point home.
Take the silencer on a gun for example. What is the point of a silencer? To subdue the sound of the bullet leaving the chamber so as to be able to surprise the victim and flee the scene undetected. To easily sneak up and put a bullet in the back of someone’s head, silenced. The victim is dead, the killer gets away. All due to the silencer.
So. If we stay silent, we’re handing those oppressing us, harming us, stripping us of our rights, the silencer to the gun that will take us down. Mentally, physically and emotionally. So why the fuck would we do that? Don’t give anyone that power. Overcome your fear of any kickback, know your worth and get vocal, but make sure you’re protected in case you’re dealing with a violent person. You need to cover your ass first. Honestly, file a restraining order, and get them locked up. And upon their release if it is that serious, devise a plan for your safety. But you do not need to isolate yourself and not speak about it. That silence can metaphorically kill you and I’ve seen suicides over it. Don’t give the oppressor the upper hand. Don’t give the abuser the upper hand. Don’t give the manipulator the upper hand. Do not hand them the mother-fucking silencer.
Get through the fear, the what-ifs, (there are many), ranging form no one will believe me, it will make it worse, they’ll turn people against me, no one will care. Trust me, people will care and with an army of people backing you who know, it’s doubtful the coward will come back. Like most oppressors and abusers and assholes, underneath their manipulation and abuse there’s a narrative they tell themselves and others to sleep tight at night to be the everlasting victim; they’re pussies. So get a support group, get your confidence up, reclaim your inner warrior and get talking. Not only will you help yourself, but countless others that might be or could be in the same or similar situation.
I swallowed my doubt and fears, (yes my loud ass gets scared, mainly when dealing with completely erratic, mentally abusive behavior that flips on a dime and you never know what will happen and you’re living minute to minute, hour to hour, treading unknown waters). I kicked fear’s ass and here I am, I’m talking about it and I’m ready for the kickback.
So anyone out there, yes you, if you’re reading this going, “oh shit, me?” … Yes, you. If you believe(d) the oppressor, the recent slander and bullshit swirling around about me, you drank the Kool-Aid, let me give you some charcoal to absorb that shit and wake you the fuck up. You want to know what happened before you form an opinion? Get some fucking balls and ask. Email me on my site, DM me on IG, and if you have my number, well there you go. And if you feel like an asshole now, good. You should. You’ve most likely been siding with the wrong people for a while.
I hate pussies. I hate followers. I hate weak people that believe anything they hear and cover their ears when they think they might hear something they don’t want to. The metaphorical deaf, dumb and blind. So if you think some sideways shit or have a question, maybe you should just fucking ask? So why don’t you try something new, huh? Why don’t you ask me the little questions burning in your mind? I’d be glad to answer and I’m sure some other people would too. I’m not the only one… So what are you waiting for? Grab a Kleenex, grab a Depends and get to typing. You got your invitation.
Now to get back to the main point…Fuck.
To all of you out there, please abandon handing over the metaphorical silencer and speak your truth. It is only you that can begin breaking the chains of intended silencing induced by fear tactics. Build your army and break the chains, and once you’ve successfully done so, help others break theirs. The more we do this, the more lives we’ll save from all of the bullshit bestowed upon us and society. It’s not easy, but nothing worth fighting for and living for is.
Don’t Shut Up, Speak Up.
Till next time...
And next week, which only seems apropos, I’ll be talking about how numbing yourself with drugs and alcohol can fuck you into oblivion. Get ready. I’ve got stories.