Gratitude. Fuck. That’s another hard one to tackle, mainly to be grateful for shit we hate. Like a job, getting treated like shit, shitty relationships, restrictions on things we want to do, or strapped for cash. How the hell do we manage to be grateful for that shit? The things that bother us, upset us and are just plain fucked? It’s a bitch. Just like change, which I faced off with in my last piece.
Gratitude in the bullshit is hard to put it lightly. Now being grateful for the good shit that’s easy. Not being grateful for anything, that’s called being an entitled fuck and that’s not cool. Those are usually the people who when they hit hard times lose their fucking minds completely, go off the deep end and play the victim. Still unable to be grateful for the good things they have or had. They don’t understand the difference between need and want or fortunate for what they do have. This piece isn’t really for them. They need some serious work. And I don’t have time to work on that or hold their hand right now. What’s most important is to acknowledge what we have, (the good), and be grateful for it, but also for the bad things, things we don’t like so we can look and see how it benefits us, what we may have gotten out of it, or a means to an end, like a shitty job. Which I’ll get into in a minute. I’ll be hitting those top 5 in that first paragraph in a second.
But what is gratitude? It’s being thankful for shit, and humble with what we have. Granted I didn’t pull that out of a dictionary, that’s just a quick sum up I pulled out of my never silent mind.
But in the shitty things, it’s hard to grasp at. We think what the hell do I have to be grateful for in that shit? And if someone tells us we should be grateful for x,y,z even though it sucks, we get pissed, because we don’t want to see it as anything but bad, shitty and fucked up. It’s like me and apologies. I wrote on that to. Why do it? Well it improves your quality of life for one and also brings peace. This is also something I’ve been working on. And through it I’ve been a grumpy old man about it, grumbling my way through shit and forcing myself to find that good in the bad and be grateful for it; it does bring soundness of mind and I can laugh at the grumpy old man and roll with it. We can oddly be annoyed, pissed and hurt but grateful at the same time. Sounds weird? No shit. So that’s why I came up with those 5 examples, and I’ll keep it short to not bore you to death or harp on too much and lose the point.
Bottom line, in the shittiest of things, there’s always something to be grateful for, we don’t have to be excited about it, but can be like ok, yeah, that/this does serve a purpose, I did gain something out of it, there’s a means to an end and I’m grateful for that, etc.. But we’re still allowed to bitch; otherwise we bottle and then explode. Now let’s dive into the first on the fuck no list.
Jobs. A lot of people hate theirs or don’t really like them. Hell, do I like the one I have now? Fuck no. I’m happy when I’m working for myself and going freelance. Right now I’m working on rebuilding that, but the shit I have now; it all keeps a roof over my head, food on the table, lights on and shit for the dog. So in that, while I hate it, I’m grateful that it provides what I need to survive and not running me totally paycheck to paycheck. It’s a means to an end and not permanent.
And from what I’ve heard from friends and people I talk to, most don’t like their jobs unless it’s following their passion, dream or life path. And even then there’s shitty days.
For me, not being freelance for a period of time, I’ve had three corporate jobs in a sense, that was a job I didn’t mind, I was engrossed in live entertainment, a passion of mine so I was content. The one I have now, underpaid doing stupid work with a screwy ass schedules and being a verbal punching bag –I’m burnt out, realized it was all garbage but developed patience in not throwing my hands up and walking until I found something else, (which I’m in the process of doing now)... But for all the reasons I listed earlier, I’m grateful for it. I can bitch about how much I can’t stand it and the stupidity of how it’s all run, but it provides what I need, so I grumble and am thankful through it. Like I said, you can do both. You don’t have to be happy to be grateful. I had to get real with this a little more than a month ago and sit my ass down, not throw my hands up and quit, go over the what it’s good for list and chill out. And oddly felt better and didn’t feel like throwing all of my work shit in the dumpster, knowing I’m looking for new shit eases my mind and keeps me from feeling stuck or trapped. I’ll take it.. for now.
Shitty People. We all encounter them. Rude mother fuckers, disrespectful bastards and miserable shits that take their problems out on us. What the hell do we have to be grateful for in that? To start, not stoop to their level, acknowledge they’re fucked up, be glad we’re not like that and grateful for it. Also, sometimes, like in the situation that occurred a few months back; this one pertaining to my current work, I was able to out a person who stepped on my metaphorical dick and talked to me like a 2 year old because her ass was wrong and needed me for an outlet to keep her false ego in tact. I raised hell and had her boss informed so the bitch would stop being a cunt and hurting other people that didn’t deserve it due to a lack of people skills, false ego and not caring, (which was the excuse I got for her shitty behavior). You kick a Doberman, it might yelp, but then, well, good luck. So I was looking out for the underdogs that had either quit or been hurt by how this person acted towards them. Checkmate. I’m not a nark, but if you fuck with me, and can rattle my cage, Satan knows you’re doing it to other people.
I’m grateful she did it to me. So I could get loud. I’m not quiet, I don’t take shit and hate bullies. I don’t care about me so much, I care about the other people she hurt and could continue to. I’m not superman or god, but I’ll be damned if I see that shit, encounter it and know it’s allowed. Fuck that. So I’m also grateful for my take no shit personality and that I can do my part to help others without fear of backlash. I’m not great, not tooting my on horn, but in a situation in which I’d normally walk, due to the way the bitch came at me, I was able to channel that shit and get the toxic weed pulled, or at least acknowledged as a weed and toxic. In sum – I’m grateful I got treated like that and had the balls to fight back. But it still doesn’t mean I like the bitch.
Shitty Relationships. Who said those were any fun or that we should be fucking grateful for them? Get out of here with that shit. And for me, well, I’ve had my fair share, and while I don’t think they were ok, that they weren’t an asshole or didn’t negatively impact my life at the time or after for a while until I got my shit back together, it was then that I could be grateful for their stupid asses. Let’s take my most recent shitty relationship for example, the manipulative psycho from my piece, “Silence Is Deadly”. This idiot flipped the script on me as soon as I got here. The person that walked through the door as I was unloading the U-Haul after the dog and I had driven across the country was not the person I moved for or knew. The shit I learned from it and the rest has been written but what about that relationship am I grateful for? It got me here, a place that makes my skin crawl with it’s hypocrisy, bigotry, racism and homophobia and more; I could turn tail and run to a liberal state and go fuck that, that’s awful – or I could stay and get loud, that's what I'm grateful for. Help push that change and turn the tables here. It’s not something I can do alone, but I can join with those already fighting and raise my voice. It doesn’t mean I like the bullshit and culture or I’m comfortable, but I’m where I need to be to help make a difference. And I met my best friend. The moron found this place, and my neighbor turned out to be the closest and most wonderful friend I’ve ever had. Someone I can fully be myself around, an amazing human and someone who shares my passion for change. And yes while I wanted to do a podcast, in many of our talks, we decided to do it together. Which, what the hell else could I ask for? So the idiot served a purpose. It got me to a place where I needed to be, in the midst of all the shit I’m against and pushing to change and the best friend I could ever ask for fighting right beside me, that I’m grateful for. And if it weren’t for the idiot, hell, none of it would have happened.
Restrictions On Things We Want To Do. I’m sure we’re all making a mental list right now. Whether it’s shit we were planning or past things that aren’t feasible right now; it fucking sucks. It’s taking a mental toll on all of us. It’s slowed shit down and we find ourselves with more downtime and that rot of stagnation, thinking of what is gone, what we can’t do. And it hurts, it makes us mad, and it fucks up what we want to do. So, in this era of closed, canceled and maybe later, what can we be fucking grateful for? Well, I guess it’s that time where we find new things or ideas we might not have had, had life run it’s normal pace. Our days filled with the have to and free time with our regular want to. Think about it. Just for a second. Is there anything in the last 9 months that you’ve done that’s new, an idea you’ve had, a relationship that became closer? For me while I’m not getting my live entertainment fix, I’m not performing and I’m not doing open mics and I’m not traveling – I’ve been hunkering down writing more, bringing ideas to life that probably would be taking longer in their creation had everything not gone to shit in the things I like to do being restricted or closed. In that I’m grateful for. Not having the things that bring me to life, that fuel me, the ones that are fucked right now sucks, but the more time I’ve spent working on my end goal, that’s a positive. And getting to enjoy little shit, like making dinner with my best friend, coming up with projects, and the laughs, we have a lot of them. In a fucked up world we can still manage to laugh, enjoy each other’s company and have a blast in the simplicity of literally just hanging out and talking. If my routine was normal there would be less of that, so that, those times and moments I’m grateful for. Silver lining shit.
Strapped For Cash. Nobody in their right fucking mind likes this. Unless there’s a weird fetish out there. It’s uncomfortable, invokes panic, fear and the oh shit mentality. Especially now with everything being uncertain. Now this is going to sound like some parent talk shit but bear with my ass for a minute. I’ve been there. Most recently after the idiot left. Cashed out my savings to take everything over myself and pay off a new car note. Shit sucked. I was freaked the fuck out. Paycheck to paycheck looked like it was in my future and it’s not like I could go pick up a bartending gig a night a week or freelance perform at a night club doing bizarre ass shows or some shit like that, the normal go to. So I made a solid budget, made a list, one side was a need and the other side was a used to. I had to cut shit out. Even if it was like shit like kombucha. Do I need to drink that shit 4 times a week or the Yerba Santa tea I like everyday? No. Do I need to get anything other than the essentials now? No. Is there shit I can sell online? Yea. Can I bargain hunt when it comes to buying groceries, go off brand and bulk? Yea. And I did. And I’ve done it before.
And when shit evens out, there’s wiggle room, savings go up, you get a better job, you get a side job or just living lean or leaner than you already do allows that bank account to boost so you can put back some of the things you cut out. Or see you don’t need them, you were used to it but now, every now and then if you feel like a kombucha, see a new pair of shit kickers you like, you can get them. And you appreciate the things you get outside of what you need a hell of a lot more. A cool night with a Yerba Mate on my deck in a new warm hoodie I got from one of my favorite lines, fuck yea, I’m grateful, I’m not strapped but I have a few little things that make me happy, I can enjoy the moment and the few things I don’t need so much more.
And I’ve had shit loads of money, the $10,000 shoe collection. My weekly trip to Bergdorf in NYC where dropping under 2k on new shit was a lean day. And you know what? I didn’t care about the shit. I wasn’t grateful. I just felt like I needed to buy more shit because I could. And honestly, I was more miserable than when I was broke. I didn’t have the fall nights on my deck looking at the glowing jack-o-lanterns my Bestie and I carved with my Yerba Mate and new threads I was grateful I could afford and to take time to sit, not freak out; hell have the money to buy the damn pumpkins and not go oh shit, I have to check my bank account. To know I was lucky as fuck and in that, grateful as fuck.
I’ve had money and I’ve had none. And when we’re strapped it teaches us what and where to cut down, what we don’t need and how to survive on the minimal. Does it suck yes, but learning all of the shit I just mentioned, that’s golden. And living like that, it helps us not take the little luxuries we get ourselves once in a while for granted once we’re free and clear of being in the hole. And continue to live without the shit we realized we didn’t need all the time, if at all, then boom, that money goes in the bank and grows, keeps from future fallouts and if hard times hit and we get strapped for cash, we know how to navigate and we’ve got back up in the bank to float us. Those lessons learned and enjoying the little extras here and there, am I grateful for that and anything that comes in my home that I don’t desperately need? Fuck yes I am. And if it weren’t for being broke as fuck at times in my life or facing the potential, I wouldn’t have that gratitude and appreciation for what I do have and the moments enjoying the simple things without a panicked mind.
So there you have it. Gratitude in the shit. Laid out it doesn’t seem as bad or hard, it may even make sense. Now when the shit is going down, you won’t have that feeling. Fuck, I don’t. I’m panicked, pissed, irritated, teeth grit, raged out in my head or a mix. Usually a mix. It’s not until after, (like I always fucking say like a broken fucking record), after the shit settles, the aftermath has been cleared out and the mind is clear is when we can find these things to be grateful for. We won’t buck it. You’ll be surprised at the fuck yea feeling you get and you’ll find yourself smiling and a peace wash over you. A calm and understanding and grip. Trust me, it feels good. Those moments of gratitude are the ones in which I’m truly at ease and just like, god damn, life is good. Fuck yea.
Give it a try, you might surprise yourself. I sure as shit did.
Until Next Time…
Gratitude in the bullshit is hard to put it lightly. Now being grateful for the good shit that’s easy. Not being grateful for anything, that’s called being an entitled fuck and that’s not cool. Those are usually the people who when they hit hard times lose their fucking minds completely, go off the deep end and play the victim. Still unable to be grateful for the good things they have or had. They don’t understand the difference between need and want or fortunate for what they do have. This piece isn’t really for them. They need some serious work. And I don’t have time to work on that or hold their hand right now. What’s most important is to acknowledge what we have, (the good), and be grateful for it, but also for the bad things, things we don’t like so we can look and see how it benefits us, what we may have gotten out of it, or a means to an end, like a shitty job. Which I’ll get into in a minute. I’ll be hitting those top 5 in that first paragraph in a second.
But what is gratitude? It’s being thankful for shit, and humble with what we have. Granted I didn’t pull that out of a dictionary, that’s just a quick sum up I pulled out of my never silent mind.
But in the shitty things, it’s hard to grasp at. We think what the hell do I have to be grateful for in that shit? And if someone tells us we should be grateful for x,y,z even though it sucks, we get pissed, because we don’t want to see it as anything but bad, shitty and fucked up. It’s like me and apologies. I wrote on that to. Why do it? Well it improves your quality of life for one and also brings peace. This is also something I’ve been working on. And through it I’ve been a grumpy old man about it, grumbling my way through shit and forcing myself to find that good in the bad and be grateful for it; it does bring soundness of mind and I can laugh at the grumpy old man and roll with it. We can oddly be annoyed, pissed and hurt but grateful at the same time. Sounds weird? No shit. So that’s why I came up with those 5 examples, and I’ll keep it short to not bore you to death or harp on too much and lose the point.
Bottom line, in the shittiest of things, there’s always something to be grateful for, we don’t have to be excited about it, but can be like ok, yeah, that/this does serve a purpose, I did gain something out of it, there’s a means to an end and I’m grateful for that, etc.. But we’re still allowed to bitch; otherwise we bottle and then explode. Now let’s dive into the first on the fuck no list.
Jobs. A lot of people hate theirs or don’t really like them. Hell, do I like the one I have now? Fuck no. I’m happy when I’m working for myself and going freelance. Right now I’m working on rebuilding that, but the shit I have now; it all keeps a roof over my head, food on the table, lights on and shit for the dog. So in that, while I hate it, I’m grateful that it provides what I need to survive and not running me totally paycheck to paycheck. It’s a means to an end and not permanent.
And from what I’ve heard from friends and people I talk to, most don’t like their jobs unless it’s following their passion, dream or life path. And even then there’s shitty days.
For me, not being freelance for a period of time, I’ve had three corporate jobs in a sense, that was a job I didn’t mind, I was engrossed in live entertainment, a passion of mine so I was content. The one I have now, underpaid doing stupid work with a screwy ass schedules and being a verbal punching bag –I’m burnt out, realized it was all garbage but developed patience in not throwing my hands up and walking until I found something else, (which I’m in the process of doing now)... But for all the reasons I listed earlier, I’m grateful for it. I can bitch about how much I can’t stand it and the stupidity of how it’s all run, but it provides what I need, so I grumble and am thankful through it. Like I said, you can do both. You don’t have to be happy to be grateful. I had to get real with this a little more than a month ago and sit my ass down, not throw my hands up and quit, go over the what it’s good for list and chill out. And oddly felt better and didn’t feel like throwing all of my work shit in the dumpster, knowing I’m looking for new shit eases my mind and keeps me from feeling stuck or trapped. I’ll take it.. for now.
Shitty People. We all encounter them. Rude mother fuckers, disrespectful bastards and miserable shits that take their problems out on us. What the hell do we have to be grateful for in that? To start, not stoop to their level, acknowledge they’re fucked up, be glad we’re not like that and grateful for it. Also, sometimes, like in the situation that occurred a few months back; this one pertaining to my current work, I was able to out a person who stepped on my metaphorical dick and talked to me like a 2 year old because her ass was wrong and needed me for an outlet to keep her false ego in tact. I raised hell and had her boss informed so the bitch would stop being a cunt and hurting other people that didn’t deserve it due to a lack of people skills, false ego and not caring, (which was the excuse I got for her shitty behavior). You kick a Doberman, it might yelp, but then, well, good luck. So I was looking out for the underdogs that had either quit or been hurt by how this person acted towards them. Checkmate. I’m not a nark, but if you fuck with me, and can rattle my cage, Satan knows you’re doing it to other people.
I’m grateful she did it to me. So I could get loud. I’m not quiet, I don’t take shit and hate bullies. I don’t care about me so much, I care about the other people she hurt and could continue to. I’m not superman or god, but I’ll be damned if I see that shit, encounter it and know it’s allowed. Fuck that. So I’m also grateful for my take no shit personality and that I can do my part to help others without fear of backlash. I’m not great, not tooting my on horn, but in a situation in which I’d normally walk, due to the way the bitch came at me, I was able to channel that shit and get the toxic weed pulled, or at least acknowledged as a weed and toxic. In sum – I’m grateful I got treated like that and had the balls to fight back. But it still doesn’t mean I like the bitch.
Shitty Relationships. Who said those were any fun or that we should be fucking grateful for them? Get out of here with that shit. And for me, well, I’ve had my fair share, and while I don’t think they were ok, that they weren’t an asshole or didn’t negatively impact my life at the time or after for a while until I got my shit back together, it was then that I could be grateful for their stupid asses. Let’s take my most recent shitty relationship for example, the manipulative psycho from my piece, “Silence Is Deadly”. This idiot flipped the script on me as soon as I got here. The person that walked through the door as I was unloading the U-Haul after the dog and I had driven across the country was not the person I moved for or knew. The shit I learned from it and the rest has been written but what about that relationship am I grateful for? It got me here, a place that makes my skin crawl with it’s hypocrisy, bigotry, racism and homophobia and more; I could turn tail and run to a liberal state and go fuck that, that’s awful – or I could stay and get loud, that's what I'm grateful for. Help push that change and turn the tables here. It’s not something I can do alone, but I can join with those already fighting and raise my voice. It doesn’t mean I like the bullshit and culture or I’m comfortable, but I’m where I need to be to help make a difference. And I met my best friend. The moron found this place, and my neighbor turned out to be the closest and most wonderful friend I’ve ever had. Someone I can fully be myself around, an amazing human and someone who shares my passion for change. And yes while I wanted to do a podcast, in many of our talks, we decided to do it together. Which, what the hell else could I ask for? So the idiot served a purpose. It got me to a place where I needed to be, in the midst of all the shit I’m against and pushing to change and the best friend I could ever ask for fighting right beside me, that I’m grateful for. And if it weren’t for the idiot, hell, none of it would have happened.
Restrictions On Things We Want To Do. I’m sure we’re all making a mental list right now. Whether it’s shit we were planning or past things that aren’t feasible right now; it fucking sucks. It’s taking a mental toll on all of us. It’s slowed shit down and we find ourselves with more downtime and that rot of stagnation, thinking of what is gone, what we can’t do. And it hurts, it makes us mad, and it fucks up what we want to do. So, in this era of closed, canceled and maybe later, what can we be fucking grateful for? Well, I guess it’s that time where we find new things or ideas we might not have had, had life run it’s normal pace. Our days filled with the have to and free time with our regular want to. Think about it. Just for a second. Is there anything in the last 9 months that you’ve done that’s new, an idea you’ve had, a relationship that became closer? For me while I’m not getting my live entertainment fix, I’m not performing and I’m not doing open mics and I’m not traveling – I’ve been hunkering down writing more, bringing ideas to life that probably would be taking longer in their creation had everything not gone to shit in the things I like to do being restricted or closed. In that I’m grateful for. Not having the things that bring me to life, that fuel me, the ones that are fucked right now sucks, but the more time I’ve spent working on my end goal, that’s a positive. And getting to enjoy little shit, like making dinner with my best friend, coming up with projects, and the laughs, we have a lot of them. In a fucked up world we can still manage to laugh, enjoy each other’s company and have a blast in the simplicity of literally just hanging out and talking. If my routine was normal there would be less of that, so that, those times and moments I’m grateful for. Silver lining shit.
Strapped For Cash. Nobody in their right fucking mind likes this. Unless there’s a weird fetish out there. It’s uncomfortable, invokes panic, fear and the oh shit mentality. Especially now with everything being uncertain. Now this is going to sound like some parent talk shit but bear with my ass for a minute. I’ve been there. Most recently after the idiot left. Cashed out my savings to take everything over myself and pay off a new car note. Shit sucked. I was freaked the fuck out. Paycheck to paycheck looked like it was in my future and it’s not like I could go pick up a bartending gig a night a week or freelance perform at a night club doing bizarre ass shows or some shit like that, the normal go to. So I made a solid budget, made a list, one side was a need and the other side was a used to. I had to cut shit out. Even if it was like shit like kombucha. Do I need to drink that shit 4 times a week or the Yerba Santa tea I like everyday? No. Do I need to get anything other than the essentials now? No. Is there shit I can sell online? Yea. Can I bargain hunt when it comes to buying groceries, go off brand and bulk? Yea. And I did. And I’ve done it before.
And when shit evens out, there’s wiggle room, savings go up, you get a better job, you get a side job or just living lean or leaner than you already do allows that bank account to boost so you can put back some of the things you cut out. Or see you don’t need them, you were used to it but now, every now and then if you feel like a kombucha, see a new pair of shit kickers you like, you can get them. And you appreciate the things you get outside of what you need a hell of a lot more. A cool night with a Yerba Mate on my deck in a new warm hoodie I got from one of my favorite lines, fuck yea, I’m grateful, I’m not strapped but I have a few little things that make me happy, I can enjoy the moment and the few things I don’t need so much more.
And I’ve had shit loads of money, the $10,000 shoe collection. My weekly trip to Bergdorf in NYC where dropping under 2k on new shit was a lean day. And you know what? I didn’t care about the shit. I wasn’t grateful. I just felt like I needed to buy more shit because I could. And honestly, I was more miserable than when I was broke. I didn’t have the fall nights on my deck looking at the glowing jack-o-lanterns my Bestie and I carved with my Yerba Mate and new threads I was grateful I could afford and to take time to sit, not freak out; hell have the money to buy the damn pumpkins and not go oh shit, I have to check my bank account. To know I was lucky as fuck and in that, grateful as fuck.
I’ve had money and I’ve had none. And when we’re strapped it teaches us what and where to cut down, what we don’t need and how to survive on the minimal. Does it suck yes, but learning all of the shit I just mentioned, that’s golden. And living like that, it helps us not take the little luxuries we get ourselves once in a while for granted once we’re free and clear of being in the hole. And continue to live without the shit we realized we didn’t need all the time, if at all, then boom, that money goes in the bank and grows, keeps from future fallouts and if hard times hit and we get strapped for cash, we know how to navigate and we’ve got back up in the bank to float us. Those lessons learned and enjoying the little extras here and there, am I grateful for that and anything that comes in my home that I don’t desperately need? Fuck yes I am. And if it weren’t for being broke as fuck at times in my life or facing the potential, I wouldn’t have that gratitude and appreciation for what I do have and the moments enjoying the simple things without a panicked mind.
So there you have it. Gratitude in the shit. Laid out it doesn’t seem as bad or hard, it may even make sense. Now when the shit is going down, you won’t have that feeling. Fuck, I don’t. I’m panicked, pissed, irritated, teeth grit, raged out in my head or a mix. Usually a mix. It’s not until after, (like I always fucking say like a broken fucking record), after the shit settles, the aftermath has been cleared out and the mind is clear is when we can find these things to be grateful for. We won’t buck it. You’ll be surprised at the fuck yea feeling you get and you’ll find yourself smiling and a peace wash over you. A calm and understanding and grip. Trust me, it feels good. Those moments of gratitude are the ones in which I’m truly at ease and just like, god damn, life is good. Fuck yea.
Give it a try, you might surprise yourself. I sure as shit did.
Until Next Time…