In my lifetime I’ve experienced more than I can count. I’ve encountered more bad than good, sad I guess but true. But not really. It’s given me perspective over the years. The old, "know what you want and what you don’t want", sure. But there’s more to it.
It turns you into an asshole spotting pro. How to spot them, deal with them, steer clear of them and navigate more smoothly through future encounters with them. They give you information. Intel on their fucked up and weak species.
I have pretty good asshole radar at this point but I try to not let it jade me or figure all humans are assholes, because then I’ll miss out on the good ones. Sometimes I get duped, it’s happened a few times. You get ones that do a good con job, and while I always tell people, you can’t snake a snake and I’m a fucking black mamba, sometimes I’ve turned off my radar because I didn’t want to see it. The possibility of them not being an asshole. Giving myself a fucked up reason to ignore it. Ignorant hope. That’s a thing. We can make ourselves ignorant to the assholes by coming up with reasons that they’re not, and this is usually in close relationships. Mainly due to trying to avoid disappointment or hoping for the best. But lets face it, if the signs are there, soon they won’t be signs, the mask will fall off and you’ll be dealing with a full blown asshole. They can only keep the mask on for so long.
As I said there’s various types. Ignorant bastards, racists, hypocrites, the judgmental ones, abusers, negative mother fuckers that want to bring you down because they hate their own lives, jealous shitbags, psychopaths and users. And the list goes on…
Now it’s easy to get hung up on how they’ve made you feel and what they’ve done to you or what you’ve witnessed. You deal with it, call it out, check it, assess how you feel, heal and then, look for the golden egg. Think of an unpruned rose. You pick it up and it pricks you with one of its thorns. It might be a small prick or it might make you bleed. Sometimes more than once. But at the top is the radiant flower. The bud of knowledge, intel and insight they’ve given you. They don’t know they’ve given you this so it’s a fuck you to them. They wouldn’t want you to have it, but you do. And you can use it against them and others to protect yourself and others in the future. Over your lifetime you’ll eventually have a massive bowl of rosebuds, all carrying different types of intel and experience. It’s a collection of knowledge. Think of it as chopping off heads if something more intense makes you feel better. Heads of the idiots and the knowledge they’ve left you. Rose bud heads… All building cues, tactics and inner strength that grows inside you. It’s a beautiful metaphorical bowl of fuck you and fuck off. Thanks for the insight, assholes…
So here’s the different types of things we can learn from them, things I’ve taken away and my bowl is not nearly full, granted it’s a big one but I know there’s always more to learn and new breeds I’ll encounter. Not that I’m out looking for them, but I know inevitably, they’ll cross my path. I’ve put together a list, it might seem to bleed together or be repetitive but it keeps from long paragraphs and gets the message across for each part. And they all work together. Beyond the hurt, suffering, anger and sadness, we get way more out of them then we think.
Here’s what we take away:
1) We can spot them in the future. Each one we encounter helps build our intuition and to trust that gut feeling. If it looks like a fucking duck, quacks like a duck, it’s a fucking duck. After dealing with enough of them you can spot them across a room. In line at a grocery store or the idiot that comes up and says some shit to you, good or bad. We can spot it in their posture, body language, facial expressions and shit that comes out of their mouth. And I’m not saying to stereotype. Assholes come in all shapes, colors and sizes. Think of a person in line at the grocery store that a clerk helps at a self-check out. The one that looks impatient because their shit won’t ring up. The clerk comes over, hits some buttons, smiles and is helpful and the person doesn’t acknowledge them and you can tell by reading them, they think the other person is doing their job, which is to serve them. Then they take their shit and walk past them as if they don’t exist. Now. If this person has a partner, can you imagine how they make them feel? Or their kids, coworkers, or if they’re somebody’s boss? They make them feel like shit and unappreciated. If it’s someone you’re talking to and deal with, look for this kind of thing. If you spot it, you know what you’re dealing with. Like the asshole at the grocery store. They didn’t know how to ring up their shit, but it wasn’t their fault. Boom. They have no patience. Boom another one. They’ll explode on a dime. Also, they’re selfish, they feel they’re more important than everyone else and most importantly; they don’t give a damn about anyone else. It’s the little things. Those little behaviors. I’m sure you’ve had shit like this done to you or much worse. Look back at that shit, study the hell out of their actions at the time of the behavior and behavior in general. You’ll become a pro. A super sleuth for spotting assholes.
Now why use the grocery store example? Well, public places are good places to buff up on your skills. Just observing. My mom used to take me to the mall when I was a little kid. Choose a person and say good guy or bad guy? Each time I’d give an answer she’d ask me why. She was training me to read people. I think she started when I was about eight. Anyway, more recently, this past Saturday I was in the self-checkout line to get my groceries for the week and the situation above, which I’ve seen many times, happened. Except for my intervention… now be careful with this, you don’t know who you’re dealing with. You could get knocked out. Seriously, but sometimes you can tell also what you’re dealing with, if they’ll back down. If they’re loaded, leave it. If they look angry leave it. Instead say a kind word to the clerk to make them feel better. Now this asshole was an old man, a pussy, I could tell, a majority of them are. He did exactly what I said above, looking down at the woman helping his dumbass and didn’t say thank your or acknowledge her as a human being. I stared hole in the back of this head, (people can feel that shit), he turned and looked at me, staring at him like he was dinner and I said, “Aren’t you going to say thank you?” And pointed straight to his hat, which said, “I love Jesus”. I didn’t stop staring and pointing until he turned and mumbled an embarrassed thank you. Did he learn from it, who knows, probably not but the clerk was vindicated and I gave her a smile and a nod on my way out. Asshole smashed, victim vindicated. I’m not a hero, I just hate assholes.
2) You learn how to get away. Depending on the type, relationship and situation, which there are many, once you’ve escaped, don’t forget how. Write that shit down if you have to. Because should you ever be in that situation again or know someone who is, you can help them or know how to quickly execute your escape should you end up in a similar situation in the future. And you’ll get several under your belt, the more you get, the more exit plans you'll have. It’s like going into a restaurant and looking and seeing all of the ways out. You know how to get out of all of them and know where some exits are that aren’t in plain sight. Bathroom windows suck. Just to add some humor, I’ve tried that to get out of a blind date… dude was a pretentious asshole and I wanted out. Needless to say the drop was farther down then I thought and my landing wasn’t graceful, but I got out. Later I found if you’re out and find a staff member at a restaurant or some shit, if you tell them the predicament, they’ll take you out the backdoor. That I can say from experience as well. Or ditch when they’re asleep. I’ve done that too. All left to stew and think. Hence why I hate dating and going to group gatherings. But I know my exits.
3) You learn how to break them down. If you’re in a situation you feel you can’t get out of you have to learn how to break them down so you can. The right verbiage. Things to say to kill their ego and cut them off at the knees. The more you encounter you’ll know their weak spots. A majority of assholes like to talk about themselves. Let them talk. They’ll give away all of their secrets and vulnerabilities. Things they don’t like and their Achilles heal. You’ll know what to say and when. I always let people talk. I used to feel bad about doing this, gathering intel, getting these little nuggets and storing them in case I’d need to use them. As I got older I realized I was just collecting information for how to get out of some potential damning or hurtful shit, and their weakness may be shared by the same type of asshole. Granted if I know someone is a truly good human being, this doesn’t turn on, it doesn’t happen, which is also something you’ll instinctually develop. You can spot the non-assholes right away and no intel gathering is needed, you simply won’t do it. Your gut will guide you. Now, back to the assholes. Yelling at them usually doesn’t work. Look at Jesus Hat Guy for example. He didn’t have to talk but I used his faith against him. I outed him as an asshole, hypocrite and sent him packing. They tell you they hate their parent(s). You tell them they’re making you feel like their parent(s) made them feel. They take that shit in, you have time in that pause to get out. You nicked that Achilles heel. Also silence. If they can’t bait you, they’ll get annoyed, usually rant on about why aren’t you talking? This is a hard one. You’ll want to scream at them, but… in this moment you’re backing them down and breaking them. And swiftly get the fuck out, away, hang up, whatever it is. They’re reeling in their head because their shit isn’t working. Sometimes silence can be golden. All of these you’ll know which to use and those are just a few, which ones to use at which time and which ones to use to get out unscathed physically or before too much mental anguish has occurred. Each type, each individual has their own Achilles heel. After dealing with enough, you’ll be able to break them down with a mental flick of a wrist because instinctually you’ll know what to use.
4) For every shitty experience we take shit away from it. We can’t erase our memories, how they made us feel or what was done to us. But, (and not to sound insensitive), you’re not the only person that’s felt like that, gone through that, etc. And being able to relate and knowing you’re not the only one to go through it and get through it is cathartic and can do a damn lot of good for others. If you know someone going through something you did, tell them your story. It will give them hope, and maybe, just maybe, help them get through theirs and cope. Sharing your pain does help; and relating to others helps them and yourself if you’re still going through it. There’s no isolation factor. Use that hurt and how you got out of it and healed to help. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Just make sure not to interrupt the person when they’re telling their story. Let them get it out and then tell them your story. Hell, even if you don’t know them well, you might even get a new friend out of it, an added bonus.
5) Let others know. Now I don’t mean run around and talk mad shit, but if someone is dangerous and a predator, let it be known to spare others from the possible same fate. Take their mask essentially, which goes back to my piece, “Silence Is Deadly”. All you have to do is tell a few people, it will spread like a wildfire and you’ve disarmed them in a way. And if someone gets hurt by them, they know there’s someone to reach out to for help.
6) By encountering these asshole fucks and learning from their tactics, recognizing patterns, behaviors, how to take them down and defeating them builds inner strength. The more we go through, the stronger we get. The more that bowl fills up, each rose head, even if our own metaphorical or sometimes physical blood, (unfortunately), is on it, we’ve taken something away from it. We’ve got more armor, tools, knowing. We’ve overcome them and that’s a powerful fucking thing. You can think of that metaphorical bowl and in time, do the, gotcha grin; knowing you’re stronger because of it and can cut it off at the pass in the future. Thanks again, asshole.
7) It removes fear. When we can recognize one, something we’ve dealt with before it removes fear. We can see it for what it is, and instead of being afraid of it, smash it. Knock the shit out of it, get away from it. You spot an asshole that wants to be your pal or fucking with someone like you’ve been fucked with, you’re not afraid to say something or walk the fuck away. Fear no longer exists. As humans we tend to fear the unknown. Well, once you’ve dealt with assholes, what’s to fear? Nothing. They’re just plain assholes and you know what to do about it.
8) You recognize when you’re avoiding signs that someone’s an asshole because you’re ever hopeful that they won’t turn out like the last. Now this is false hope. This will get you fucked. It’s fucked me twice, big time. Like full bottom fall out, thousands of dollars down the drain, mentally, physically and emotionally draining. Don’t flip that switch off no matter how bad you want to. And you might. And if you do, (which happens), don’t beat yourself up. You just went through round two or three or four, (hopefully not four, but again there’s no shame in that), you get my point. And each one, while it may have its similarities, will still have its differences. So not only will you have another head to throw in the bowl, you’ll know without a shadow of a doubt that ignoring the signs and false hope is a load of shit and will only hurt you. And no, you’re not jaded or cynical or negative or not giving someone a chance. You’re just being smart. Remember the duck…
9) When encountering one of these turds and sticking up for yourself, don’t feel bad. You’ll find after time goes on that if someone is truly being an asshole and you stick up for yourself or others, you’re not being an asshole or mean or nasty or any horse shit along that line. Because what assholes do best is when you call them on their shit or stick up for yourself, they turn that shit back around on you and do their best to make you feel that you’re the bad guy. This is their desperate attempt to keep their mask on. Rip that fucker off and don’t feel bad about it then fling that rose head in the bowl without a second thought. I mean make sure they’re actually being an asshole, you don’t want to get carried away. If someone disagrees with your choice of movie you’re going to see, that’s just a preference. If they’re not being a dick about it, maybe they just passionately say they can’t stand that actor. They just might hate that fucking actor. Ask them why and if they explain and don’t get shitty with you, it’s just their own personal shit. For example if someone asked if I wanted to watch “Keeping Up With the Kardashians”, I’d be like fuck no, I don’t want to watch that shit. And then explain why. Because I think shows like that are fucking stupid. Glorified bullshit made to make people think they have to be like them or think that’s what happiness is or what like life should be like or to strive for. And the title is insulting. Why the fuck do I need to keep up with them and who the hell are they to think I need to? That’s just some ignorant shit. You think you’re that important? Look around shit bags, the world is on fire around you. I don’t care if they don’t have the shoes at Saks you wanted or your birthday party didn’t work out the way you wanted even though it cost me more than I make in a year. Wake up. See? It’s a rant. Now if I’m like you’re fucking stupid for watching that shit, then I’m an asshole. If you want to watch it, by all means. Maybe it’s a show you can zone out to and take your mind off your own reality at a shitty time. Killer, it serves a positive purpose for you. I’m not going to judge you for it, I’m just not going to watch it with you. I’ll just ruin it and that’s just fucking rude.
10) The more you deal with assholes, the more you can channel your inner strength and redirect your feelings and thoughts when dealing with them. Instead of only feeling a strong emotion of hurt, sadness or anger, you can see them for what they are and go from there. They can’t get you to the core anymore. It can piss you off that they exist, sure. It pisses me off, but I know with the knowledge I have and gargantuan bowl of heads, I can overpower them and they have no power over me. Whether it’s personal, in society or random encounters, I can spot it, check it and walk away. If it’s societal I can channel it and do something about it. Put my energy into stopping and redirecting what they’re doing by joining forces with those trying to do the same.
It all circles back to number one. Once you’ve done that, the following nine are what you can do with it. So if you haven’t started filling up your bowl yet, grab a pen and paper, make a list, I call it a shit list, (taken from the L7 song, “Shitlist”), write down the asshole, the situation and then what you can pull from it. How did they come off, what did they do, what were the signs, how did you get out of it and what did you get out of it? Once you’ve got those answers, scratch it off and put the head in the bowl.
May your bowl of rose heads be full and your mind clear. There’s a lot of assholes in the world, but the more you encounter, the more you can help other people fill their bowl and clear their minds, and with enough of that going around, heh, we’ll out number the fucks.
Until next time…
And if you’ve never listened to L7, start with, “Bricks Are Heavy”, it’s a good album to make your shit list to… in my humble opinion, of course…