We go through shock, sadness and grief. Then the emptiness that I have written about previously.
Once the emptiness fades, and we’ve stepped back, feeling that it’s all over, whatever we couldn’t handle at the time because of the other emotions, crops up.
For me, it was Anger.
I few nights ago I woke from a dead sleep seething. Angrier than I have been in a long time. I was up for hours, contemplating what had been done to me, all the lies, deception, sneaking around. I was out for blood. I stayed up for hours. Trying to calm myself and let the anger fade, in which it eventually did. But in some regards, it’s still there.
I was too overwhelmed at the time to get pissed, I moved quickly to cover my ass out of fear I guess you could call it and self-preservation.
Even after I had forgiven the perpetrator - whole heartedly, still this anger came.
I was reassured by many that this was normal and nothing out of the ordinary.
I think I was even angrier at the fact that I was angry, wishing the whole thing to just be over.
But that’s not how it works. And from what I’ve been told it will come and go, sometimes maybe even for years.
But after some reading, great things have been done and come out of anger; if directed properly, which is what I intend to do.
After my shitty night I got up and trained. Punching and kicking the shit out of my training pads and working out. I put my nose in my professional investigation books and my drive grew.
With all of this madness I developed a compassion I didn’t know I had. And that compassion is what will allow me to do what I was put here to do. Pick up all the snakes and slime bags I can, locate them and put them behind bars. And give the victims the answers they need.
So while the anger is irritating, I’m thankful for it. It adds fuel to my fire to proceed further into my future and my goals.
Mourning time is over. It’s time to get fucking busy
(And just so there’s no confusion - Marilyn is there not to put into people’s minds to go out and kill, but more a representation of the stealthy PI I intend to be...)
For further reading:
Hi, Have You Met Me? on Amazon/Kindle http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00B009W1M
and
There's No Good Campfires Left In Hell on Amazon/Kindle http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00H7CZ590
Or Paperback at http://www.lulu.com/shop/kate-monahan/theres-no-good-campfires-left-in-hell/paperback/product-21276242.html